Post by Jennifer Richards on Feb 23, 2005 17:32:21 GMT -5
Here's one that's wizzing round the emails at work recently...
An ancient millionaire is on his death bed gets his young sexy wife to promise him when he dies she'll put all his money in his casket with him. The wife agrees.
The millionaire husband dies and the wife arranges the funeral.
At the funeral the wifes best friend whispers to her as the casket goes into the ground "You didn't really put all his money in there with him did you?" The wife answers "Yes of course I did it was his dying wish."
Back at the wake the best friend tells the wife she thinks she is mad for putting all the money in the casket. The wife replies "I didn't put the cash in there silly. I put the cash in my bank account and wrote my husband a cheque and put it in the casket. If he can find a way of cashing it he can have it!"
Did you guys read the one i posted about snoop dogg?? HEHEHE that makes me laugh. my ex sent it to me in an e-mail. he doesnt have much of a sense of humor so when he sent it i was shocked!! it was a good one
I have to say, and i dont mean to pat myself on the back, but starting this thread was a good idea, now whenever there is an awkward silence i can tell some of your jokes to break the ice!!!
It was a great idea to start this thread Pancake So many great jokes - I'm sure some of the people I work with must think I'm crazy laughing out loud at my computer screen ;D
Here's one doing the rounds in NZ...
An old Irish man marries a young Irish woman and they > > are deeply in love. However, no matter what the husband > > does sexually, the woman never achieves satisfaction, > > so they decide to ask a sex therapist for advice. > > The therapist listens to their story and makes the > > following suggestion; > > > > "Hire a strapping young man and while the two of you > > are making love have the young man wave a towel over > > you, as though he is fanning you both. Make sure he > > is totally naked and she can see his manhood as he > > fans you both with the towel. That will help your wife > > fantasize, and should bring on a full-blown orgasm." > > They go home and follow the therapist's advice. They > > hire a handsome young man and he strips off and > > enthusiastically, waves a towel over them both as they > > make love. But it doesn't help and still the wife is > > unsatisfied and frustrated. > > > > Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. "Okay", he > > says, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make > > love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." > > > > Once again, they follow the advice. > > The young man gets into bed with the wife and the > > husband waves the towel. The hired hand really works > > with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, > > room-shaking, screaming orgasm. Smiling, the > > husband drops the towel, taps the young man on the > > shoulder and says to him, triumphantly: > > > > "THAT'S how you wave a f*&%ing towel, sonny boy!!"
Last Edit: Feb 23, 2005 18:42:56 GMT -5 by Pollyanna
Post by Jennifer Richards on Feb 23, 2005 18:38:03 GMT -5
Michelle, that was funny too! Where have you been hiding?
:-*Not been hiding anywhere Remi just don't get chance to use the world wide web very often juggling work & life in general. Will try to start remembering more jokes though so I can share lots & spread a little happiness.
Post by WilsonFreak on Feb 23, 2005 22:32:45 GMT -5
I got the answer right
I read the joke, then thought, well, the only reason I can think of for such a violent act would be that she thought if he was at my Mom's funeral, he may come back for another family member's death...............................................................................
Pretty funny, actually!! I'm about the MOST non-violent person I know!!!!!
Post by Can I Call You Matil? on Feb 24, 2005 8:24:16 GMT -5
Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been on since like a month ago. I've been piled up with homework and all these extra-curricular activities I have!
Anyways...I have this funny joke:
I don't know the name of it but it's still funny:
Four little old ladies were driving in a car at a speed limit of 50 mph. A police officer stops them and tells the driver, "You do realize you were driving at 50 mph in a 30 mph zone?" "That's crazy," The old lady says, "I says 50 mph on that sign over there (points to sign)." "Nooo.." The police officer explains, "That's the route number!" The police officer glances at the other ladies in the car and asks the driver, "Are they going to be okay?" "Oh, they're fine." The lady says, "We just got off of Route 166."
These questions about Australia are allegedly from potential visitors. Apparently they were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. (more....)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - Can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some info about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (UK)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath.
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao > Stupid Man -- Dum Gai > Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni > Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan? > I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni > I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat > It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim? > Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting? > That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching > I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching? > This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King > Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu > Sing Dum Song? > You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum > I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei > Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding? > I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi? > Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao? > Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu > Kum Nao > They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum > Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo > He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka > Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu Stin Ki Pu >
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer sw itches located? a. On the floor shift knob b. On the floor boar d, to the left of the clutch c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? a. Capture lightning bugs b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would! f! reeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. Wh at was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? a. Blackjack b. Gin c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II? a. Suntan b. Leg painting c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether i t was coming or going? a. Studebaker b. Nash Metro c. T ucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? a. Strips of dried peanut butter b. Chocolate licorice bars c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
8. How was Butch wax used? a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key b. Woven straps that crossed ! the foot c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? a. Consider all the facts b. Ask Mom c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? a. Smallpox b. AIDS c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" a SUV b. Taxi c. Streetcar
13. Wha t was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? a. Old Blue b. Paint c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? a. Part of the game of hide and seek b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring b Princess Sacajewea c Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? a. Immedia! tely sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high b . Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum b. They could be p ut in special books and redeemed for various hous ehold items c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? a. Meatballs b. Dames c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? a. The Ink Spots b. The Supremes c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? a. Tony Bennett b. Xavier Cugat c. George Gershwin --------------------------------------------! ------------ ANSWERS
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup wa s applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. < BR>11. c) Polio. At the beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering! places were closed to try to prevent spre ad of the disease.
1 2. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be trad ed for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.. ---------------------------- ------------------------------------------ SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You ar! e older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom!
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen.
0 - 11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences.