[Pancake]

Actually it was 4 in a row ...now 5 ahhhh crapmonkeys ignore my stupidity

[Nana]

Since I'm ALWAYS compalining about Microsoft, here's one that fits...

In 2050 A.D. Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in the Purgatory waiting room, when God enters...

"Well, Bill," says God, "I'm confused. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell: you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you've also created some of the most unearthly frustrations known to mankind. I'm going to do something I've never done before: I'm going to let you choose where you want to go."

Bill replies, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly to help you make your decision."

"Okay, where should I go first?" asks Bill.

God says, "That's up to you."

Bill says, "OK, let's try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There are thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperature is just right. The whole thing looks perfect, and Bill is very pleased.

"This is great!" he tells God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It very nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a moment and announces his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell." he tells God.

"Fine," says God, "As you desire."

So Bill Gates is taken to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decides to check up on Bill to see how he's doing in Hell. When God arrives in Hell, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He's being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asks.

Bill replies, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, it's not what I expected at all, I can't believe it. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God smiles and says, "That was the screen saver."

[Pancake]

HAHAHA I love that I'm sending this to everyone i know

[letters2dorian]

LOL!!!!!!!!

omg, i am literally laughing out loud!


great, great, GREAT joke, nana!!!

[Nana]

Since many of you are going to Texas this weekend, here's something to help... lol

Dumb Texas Laws

-When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
-A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
-It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
-You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times. That's a good one actually! lol
-It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
-It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
-It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
-A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
-It is unlawful for a person to consume an alcoholic beverage while operating a motor vehicle upon a public roadway, if the person is observed doing so by a peace officer.
-The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home

[letters2dorian]

i've read them before, but they're still great!!

for those of you going to TX this weekend: don't forget to keep your Encyclopedias at home (no matter how much you love them!)

[~Dani~]

This are all very funny jokes.

[WilsonFreak]

********You can be legally married by publically introducing a person as your husband or wife 3 times. ***********

LOL!!!!!!!

Hi, I'm Sherrie (Tex!!) and this is my husband Owen Wilson!

Hi, I'm Sherrie, and this is my husband Owen Wilson!

Hi, I'm Sherrie, and this is my husband Owen Wilson!!


:grin: Tex, you have your mission!!!!!!!

[Remi]

Ummmm.... is polygamy legal in Texas?

[Pancake]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a

knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.



The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is

so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.



At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag

of marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the

little package between Elmo's legs.



The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.



"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.



"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[letters2dorian]

good one pancake!!! ;D


here's something funny i found the other day:

===========================
Actual Signs That We Have Found
===========================
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.
English Sign in German Cafe: Mothers, Please Wash Your Hands Before Eating.
Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!
In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
In a hotel during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is day care on the first floor.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel - NO END
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.
Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming.
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.) ((MY FAV!!!))

[ocw]

I wonder if Laura sent this in!!!

Raising Boys:


a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin , Texas ...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

[letters2dorian]

i love it, ocw!!!!

my fav -->

A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

[fergie]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

[fergie]

Continuing with the Irish theme...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of

drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother
f**kers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who candrink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. 30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately
the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says,
"If ya don'tmind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The Irishman replies,
"Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street tosee if I could do it first"
;D