[Pancake]

Hi ladies

I always get these funny jokes sent to me from family and friends and I love to share so I thought we could start a thread of jokes and whenever we are feeling blue we could read them to get a good laugh.

Oh yea and ladies try your best to keep it clean!!

Here is one i got sent to me

It's called Blabbermouth:

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked



you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it



on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly

dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife



and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar

detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar

detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched

teeth,

"Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your



seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,



well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me



over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife

says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat

belt

on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver

turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The

officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always

talk to

you this way, Ma'am?"





" Only when he's been drinking."

[itsanowenthing]

I don't know many jokes (not clean ones anyway) but I heard this one recently.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

[Pancake]

[Remi]

I'm not sure you know what you've gotten yourself into here... I AM one of the Queens of Cheesy Wit, don't you know! ;D This could be a VERY long thread!

[itsanowenthing]

Cheese on, Remi!!!

[Remi]

A muffin, two strips of bacon, and an egg walk into a bar and order a drink. The bartender says, " Sorry fellas, we don't serve breakfast here."
-----------------------------------------------

Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived near the bay, they'd be bagels.

------------------------------------------------
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...

"I dinna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

----------------------------------------------

[Pancake]

I love cheese!! But not when someone cuts it

I'm sorry I will not do that again

[Remi]

Pancake said:

I love cheese!! But not when someone cuts it

I'm sorry I will not do that again

[Pancake]

Pharmacology update !!!!
>
>
> In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a
> generic name.
> For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is
> known as naproxen,
> Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
> consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it
> has settled on the
> generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin,
> mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
>
> Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will
> soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a
> powerbeverage suitable for use as a mixer.
>
> Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for
> a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
> Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives
> new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good
> old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
> name of
> Mount & Do.
>
> The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must
> be fully considered: Over the past few years, more money has been spent
> on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's research. It
> is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of
> people
> wandering around with perky breasts and erections who can't remember what
> to do with
> them.

[Remi]

"Mount & Do" I'll have to remember that one!

This made me smile today too....

[tequilaroses]

A felon escapes from prison and is on the lam. He breaks into a house and finds a couple in bed.

The prisoner drags the husband out of bed, and ties him to a desk chair with various garments laying around the room.

The wife, afraid to move, stays put in the bed.

The prisoner then walks over to the wife, and ties her to the bed. He then leans over her and whispers something in her ear. She nods in response, and the prisoner slips away to the bathroom.

As soon as the prisoner is out of earshot, the husband says to his wife, "Did you see his clothes? He's obviously escaped from prison! There's no telling what he'll do! He's probably very dangerous! Whatever he wants you to do, just do it - for both of our safety. Be strong honey! I love you!"

"I'm glad you said that", replied the wife. "He just whispered to me that he finds YOU very attractive, and wanted to know if we keep any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey! I love you!"

[WilsonFreak]

Two friends, Joe and Jeff, were walking home one night after a long spell of drinking at their local pub. They came across a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. Joe walked over to the sheep, pulled his pants down, and "got busy". When he had finished, he strolled back over to Jeff. "Well, buddy, you want to try it too?" Jeff frowned, then nodded, "Yeah, what the hell?" So, Jeff walked over to the fence and stuck his head between the rails............................

[Remi]

Oh myyyy goodness! You ladies are toooo much! (In a good way!)

[fergie]

My offering to the mirth thread, if anyone needs a translation from broad Glaswegian to BBC English just ask..... ;D

A Young Glasgow lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

'Do you have any sales experience?' asked the manager.
'Oh Aye; uff dunnabitta sales stuff back up the road anat, ah'eh barras anat, know?',nodded the young weegie.

The manager liked the lad, so he gave him the job.

The young Scot's first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down to see how he was settling in.

'So... how many sales did you make today'?
He smiled at the boy.

The weegie said: 'Jist the wan'.

The manager was immediately disappointed.

'Wh-a-a-t? Just one? Harrods's sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day!
Dear me! Oh well, how much was the sale for,anyway'?

'£101,237.64' said the lad.

The Harrods manager choked.
'Blimey...
One hundred and one thousand, two hundred and thirty-seven pounds and sixty four pence!
What in hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first ah selt him a wee fish hook, then

a medium fish hook, and then ah selt him a new fishing rod.
Then ah asked him where he was gawin' fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I telt him he would need
a boat.
We went down to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat... then he said he didn't think his wee Honda Civic could pull it,
so I took him down to car sales and I selt him a dinky 4x4 Suzuki...'..

The manager was now incredulous. 'Wait a minute; you mean to tell
me....
a guy came in here to buy a small fish hook but you sold him a boat AND a four-by-four?'

'Naw naw, big man... he came in tay buy a box of
tampons furries missus and Ah said.........
"Well pal, seein' as how
yer weekend's f**ked, ye might as well go fishing..."'.

[Remi]

OH man!! That's funny! Thanks Fergie!