Okay, I finally got one today already in English (I must confess I'm lazy when it comes to translating jokes).
I hope no one posted it before:
The Talking Frog ================
My husband is 78 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "pick me up...."
He looked around and could not see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "pick me up."
He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My husband said, "Are you talking to me"?
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have ever dreamed of."
My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front shirt pocket.
Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
Post by bubbles4play on Feb 18, 2005 10:49:37 GMT -5
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out, but they had had a few too many bacardi breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in the cemetery. Neither of them had anything to wipe with so the first one thought quickly - she would take off her panties, use them and throw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive pair of panties and did not want to lose them.
Luckily she found a large ribbon on a wreath that was hanging on one of the graves. She proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls took care of business, they headed home.
The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said, "Listen, these damn girls' nights out are gonna stop. Would you believe my wife came home last night with no panties?"
"Tell me about it," said the other guy. "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the fire station. We will never forget you!"
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
Post by hurltomato on Feb 18, 2005 16:48:54 GMT -5
The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What is her motive in killing her sister? (Give this some thought before you answer)
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off of my e-mail list unless that will tick you off, then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.