[Nana]

Okay, I finally got one today already in English (I must confess I'm lazy when it comes to translating jokes).

I hope no one posted it before:

The Talking Frog
================

My husband is 78 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in
his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "pick me up...."

He looked around and could not see anyone. He thought he was dreaming
when he heard the voice again, "pick me up."

He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. My
husband said, "Are you talking to me"?

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up and kiss me
and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and
will give you the most wonderful sexual pleasures that you have
ever dreamed of."

My husband looked at the frog for a short time and then reached over
and picked it up carefully, placing it in his front shirt pocket.

Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I
said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you
have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "At my age I'd
rather have a talking frog."

[WilsonFreak]

:'(That's cute!!

[Natalie]

This one is really funny!



A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out!"

[Remi]

Natalie... I know a few friends that would appreciate THAT joke! Very funny!

[bubbles4play]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out,
but they had had a
few too many bacardi breezers. Incredibly drunk and
walking home, they needed to pee so they stopped in
the cemetery.
Neither of them had anything to wipe with so the
first one thought
quickly - she would take off her panties, use them
and throw them away.

Her friend however was wearing an expensive pair of
panties and did not
want to lose them.

Luckily she found a large ribbon on a wreath that
was hanging on one of
the graves. She proceeded to wipe with that. After
the girls took care
of business, they headed home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the
other husband and
said, "Listen, these damn girls' nights out are
gonna stop. Would you
believe my wife came home last night with no
panties?"

"Tell me about it," said the other guy. "Mine came
back with a card
stuck to her ass that said, "From all of us at the
fire station. We will
never forget you!"

[Nana]

Oh man, bubbles that's a good one!

[hurltomato]

The husband had finished his book, "Man of the House" by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The effen funeral director," said his wife.

[Natalie]

Great ones! ;D

Here's another one:


WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

[Natalie]

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MOM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS, GIRLFRIENDS, ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[letters2dorian]

lol! nice find natalie!!

my favs:

Natalie said:

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

and

Natalie said:

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

[Natalie]

I thought number 6 was hilarious too!

[WilsonFreak]

What is it?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.

Clinton uses his all the time.



What is it? (SCROLL DOWN!)

















Answer: A LAST NAME!

[Pancake]

why does Snoop Dogg carry around an umbrella ---

Fo Drizzle!

[Pancake]

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right.



A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she
did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she
believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there but never
asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed
her sister.
Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer)


































Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality
as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question
correctly good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know
so I can take you off of my e-mail list unless that will tick you off,
then I'll just be extra nice to you from now on.

[letters2dorian]

whew! i'm glad i didn't answer that one correctly! lol