shari
Archer Avenue Resident
Keeper of Owen's Texan Drawl
Posts: 307
|
May 2, 2005 14:00:26 GMT -5
Post by shari on May 2, 2005 14:00:26 GMT -5
tex, those are so funny
|
|
|
May 4, 2005 18:55:16 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on May 4, 2005 18:55:16 GMT -5
Clues A Woman Should Call It A Night
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5 . I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10 . The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
|
|
Siberia
Air Kentucky Flight Attendant
Posts: 250
|
May 7, 2005 9:36:15 GMT -5
Post by Siberia on May 7, 2005 9:36:15 GMT -5
|
|
|
May 15, 2005 13:19:12 GMT -5
Post by fergie on May 15, 2005 13:19:12 GMT -5
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.....
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the f***ing Pope as a chauffeur!!"
|
|
|
May 26, 2005 10:29:44 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on May 26, 2005 10:29:44 GMT -5
Scam On Older Women This new scam is being pulled mainly on older women who are apparently passed the age of giving a running pursuit. What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good-looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well-enhanced young man comes up. With muscles flexing, and body stretched to its full potential, he pretends to wash your windshield. While he is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car. They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five times Saturday---I couldn't find them on Sunday. Don't Step On The Duck! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
|
|
|
Jun 6, 2005 10:00:34 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jun 6, 2005 10:00:34 GMT -5
|
|
|
Jun 6, 2005 10:05:03 GMT -5
Post by IMAQT on Jun 6, 2005 10:05:03 GMT -5
|
|
|
Jun 6, 2005 16:00:35 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jun 6, 2005 16:00:35 GMT -5
That joke totally applies to me!
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2005 12:36:31 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jul 11, 2005 12:36:31 GMT -5
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, just wondering; I didn't get one either.
|
|
|
Jul 11, 2005 12:55:06 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Jul 11, 2005 12:55:06 GMT -5
The kids in my neighborhood do all these jokes like:
You're so stupid, you got locked in a bathroom and peed your pants.
You're so stupid you ran into a parked car.
You're so stupid you got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
You're so stupid you got locked in a furniture store and had to sleep on the floor.
pfftttt! But I just think they are funny and the kids crack up when they tell me.
|
|
|
Jul 18, 2005 22:20:33 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jul 18, 2005 22:20:33 GMT -5
Ten Golf expressions that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head, and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back, and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
And one from Hockey:
He's got to concentrate on his thrust if he hopes to achieve deeper penetration.
|
|
|
Jul 19, 2005 8:58:32 GMT -5
Post by IMAQT on Jul 19, 2005 8:58:32 GMT -5
Those were good, t. Who knew golf was such a smutty sport?
|
|
|
Jul 19, 2005 12:40:53 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jul 19, 2005 12:40:53 GMT -5
The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie
|
|
|
Jul 25, 2005 11:31:51 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jul 25, 2005 11:31:51 GMT -5
Pancake! I found these on a website about actual conversations overheard in NY. Some of them are pretty funny!
|
|
|
Jul 25, 2005 17:45:27 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jul 25, 2005 17:45:27 GMT -5
Those are great!! Where did you find them?
|
|