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Apr 12, 2005 13:07:15 GMT -5
Post by ~Dani~ on Apr 12, 2005 13:07:15 GMT -5
![>:(](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/killingme.gif) This is great WF
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Apr 12, 2005 15:04:59 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Apr 12, 2005 15:04:59 GMT -5
Thanks for the jokes danee!
WF, that's crazy. LOL
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Apr 13, 2005 12:07:03 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Apr 13, 2005 12:07:03 GMT -5
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again, was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs. And I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband
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Apr 13, 2005 12:26:57 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Apr 13, 2005 12:26:57 GMT -5
![>:(](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/killingme.gif) Damn theives!!!!!!! I'll put up another funny video for y'all later today!!
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Apr 13, 2005 18:09:00 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Apr 13, 2005 18:09:00 GMT -5
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Apr 13, 2005 18:13:53 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Apr 13, 2005 18:13:53 GMT -5
![;)](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/thumbsup.gif) That about sums it up WF! ![:'(](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/rolling.gif)
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Apr 14, 2005 12:27:19 GMT -5
Post by ~Dani~ on Apr 14, 2005 12:27:19 GMT -5
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.![](http://www.my-smileys.de/smileys2/emotlol.gif)
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Apr 14, 2005 12:32:42 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Apr 14, 2005 12:32:42 GMT -5
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Apr 14, 2005 12:52:39 GMT -5
Post by ~Dani~ on Apr 14, 2005 12:52:39 GMT -5
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Apr 24, 2005 22:02:45 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Apr 24, 2005 22:02:45 GMT -5
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death,
he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite
Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the
stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping
the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought
Himself already in heaven, for there, spread out
upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his
devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it
that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His
parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his
mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand
trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral.
Now that's Italian!!!
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Apr 27, 2005 18:25:29 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Apr 27, 2005 18:25:29 GMT -5
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Apr 27, 2005 18:33:57 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Apr 27, 2005 18:33:57 GMT -5
So Funny!! Thanks Natalie!! ![>:(](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/killingme.gif)
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Apr 27, 2005 20:55:44 GMT -5
Post by bekiwilson on Apr 27, 2005 20:55:44 GMT -5
here's a good joke A neighbour rang up the FBI and complained that his neighbour was dealing Dope, and that they would find it hidden inside the wood pile. the next day the FBI went to the address given and went chopping the wood, but found nothing. They all left grumpy and disatisfied. The neighbour then rings up and says "Did the FBI chop up your wood?" "yeah they did." "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE!" ![>:(](http://i18.photobucket.com/albums/b124/thewilsons20/Emoticons%20-%20Main/killingme.gif)
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May 1, 2005 21:04:42 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 1, 2005 21:04:42 GMT -5
Received as an email. I almost choked to death laughing so hard at these... ======================================= Because we have such GOOD TEACHERS. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TESTS ON THE BIBLE.
Here's how kids answered questions about the Old and New testaments:
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOT'S WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
8. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
9. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
10. JOHSUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
11. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
12. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
13. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
14. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
15. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
16. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
17. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.!
18. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
19. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
20. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
21. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
22. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
23. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY
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May 1, 2005 21:25:15 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 1, 2005 21:25:15 GMT -5
Yet another one. I don't know if it's actually true, and it's an indictment on American public education. But it's also funny: =======================================
Subject: History As Seen Through the Eyes of Fifth Graders
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. ------------------------------------------------------
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. ------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it. ------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. ------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ------------------------------------------------- -----
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. ------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. ------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." ------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. ------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. ------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. ------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. ------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ------------------------------------------------------
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who know anyhow? I don't get it. ------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. ------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
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