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Jul 25, 2005 18:45:47 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jul 25, 2005 18:45:47 GMT -5
Many of the statements are NOT PC, and some posts are rude/crude. PM me if you want the link. Please don't go there if you are easily offended!
Here are a couple from overheard in the office.
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Jul 26, 2005 7:46:40 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jul 26, 2005 7:46:40 GMT -5
Remi's golf lesson.
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Aug 23, 2005 12:04:18 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Aug 23, 2005 12:04:18 GMT -5
Here is something you ladies might enjoy.
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she. ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )
WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Aug 23, 2005 12:34:36 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Aug 23, 2005 12:34:36 GMT -5
>:(Those are very good, Pancake!
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Sept 30, 2005 12:53:04 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Sept 30, 2005 12:53:04 GMT -5
this isnt really a joke but its so true and so funny!
Subject: Chain emails
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...
I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 PM and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.
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Oct 7, 2005 13:44:24 GMT -5
Post by hurltomato on Oct 7, 2005 13:44:24 GMT -5
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy riding high and is totally amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? " "No, " she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."[/b]
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Oct 7, 2005 14:03:58 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Oct 7, 2005 14:03:58 GMT -5
That was cool. Wish i could remember jokes. My grandfather used to tell the best ones
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Oct 7, 2005 17:02:29 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Oct 7, 2005 17:02:29 GMT -5
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Oct 8, 2005 23:13:46 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Oct 8, 2005 23:13:46 GMT -5
A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale". He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" the guy asks. The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government. So I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
Finally, I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten bucks." "Ten bucks?" the guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t."
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Oct 9, 2005 6:56:04 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Oct 9, 2005 6:56:04 GMT -5
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Oct 9, 2005 11:32:33 GMT -5
Post by Gage51 on Oct 9, 2005 11:32:33 GMT -5
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Oct 12, 2005 17:11:52 GMT -5
Post by hurltomato on Oct 12, 2005 17:11:52 GMT -5
Where Ya From Cowboy ? A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle e, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya all from, Sam?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,
"... the balcony..."
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Oct 12, 2005 18:21:49 GMT -5
Post by Gage51 on Oct 12, 2005 18:21:49 GMT -5
Ouch! Beth
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Oct 12, 2005 19:56:17 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Oct 12, 2005 19:56:17 GMT -5
Loved the one about the dog! I'm going to have to try these out on my boarder and my brother..........they love jokes!!!!!!!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, it is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, i rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." with that, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation,so he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he finishes. Still,no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her very which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls out the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f**cking dishes!"
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Oct 27, 2005 5:21:44 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Oct 27, 2005 5:21:44 GMT -5
I hope this hasn't already been posted.
Gender For Inanimate Objects
1) Ziploc Bags are Male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male because it goes bald, and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable, and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
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