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Oct 27, 2005 5:57:12 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Oct 27, 2005 5:57:12 GMT -5
Thanks Tex!
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Oct 27, 2005 10:16:56 GMT -5
Post by thumper on Oct 27, 2005 10:16:56 GMT -5
Copiers are Female because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. Man, that is soooo true!! Thanks for that Tex!
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Oct 27, 2005 10:51:25 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Oct 27, 2005 10:51:25 GMT -5
Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:
ONE POINT
Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINTS
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINTS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.
Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.
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Oct 27, 2005 23:05:22 GMT -5
Post by Nana on Oct 27, 2005 23:05:22 GMT -5
There's only two people in my office and the other onw is my boss... so I guess I won't be playing any of that. Tex, 9 and 10 are soooo true! It's even funnier...
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Oct 28, 2005 5:45:02 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Oct 28, 2005 5:45:02 GMT -5
Glad y'all enjoyed them. I take issue with #6 though. For some of us, it just ain't true. Ever.
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Oct 28, 2005 14:01:11 GMT -5
Post by thumper on Oct 28, 2005 14:01:11 GMT -5
Ok Looney, and how many points have you earned?? LOL That is really funny but since I'm a nurse, doing the majority of those would get me locked up for a psych consult. I do have a couple people to pass it on to though.
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Oct 28, 2005 14:12:45 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Oct 28, 2005 14:12:45 GMT -5
I DO frequently yell out numbers when someone is counting, but otherwise my office is far too stuffy and rigid. Some people just need to learn how to take a joke.
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Oct 28, 2005 18:38:35 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Oct 28, 2005 18:38:35 GMT -5
Kids say the darndest things...
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much that, when you die, I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
At a Sunday sermon the minister began with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Dear Lord, without you, we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
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Oct 29, 2005 6:19:01 GMT -5
Post by furg on Oct 29, 2005 6:19:01 GMT -5
T'Gal the above jokes remind me of my own kids ramblings! A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called, "Cojones de Toro," bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry Senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins !" ;D
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Oct 29, 2005 9:18:29 GMT -5
Post by IMAQT on Oct 29, 2005 9:18:29 GMT -5
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Oct 29, 2005 14:04:39 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Oct 29, 2005 14:04:39 GMT -5
Those are great jokes. I love the kid quotes. I can just imagine the cute kids saying those things
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Oct 30, 2005 2:10:31 GMT -5
Post by Nana on Oct 30, 2005 2:10:31 GMT -5
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Oct 30, 2005 10:55:33 GMT -5
Post by furg on Oct 30, 2005 10:55:33 GMT -5
WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School drop out.
However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as, Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two other of the six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and, subsequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced The Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them and say "oh yes I do!"
(Family History Recorded By Crock O.Schitt) ;D
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Oct 30, 2005 12:39:43 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on Oct 30, 2005 12:39:43 GMT -5
ROTFL. That's great Furg. So are all the other jokes on here. I don't know where you all get them from. LOL.
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Nov 1, 2005 5:06:35 GMT -5
Post by Nana on Nov 1, 2005 5:06:35 GMT -5
furg That's going on my blog... Here's one that I just got: Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner... who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was... She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down >>and wrote:
Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma.Lesson: Never lie to your momma!.....
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