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Dec 4, 2006 18:49:55 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Dec 4, 2006 18:49:55 GMT -5
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . . "
Hey, coola down lady, " said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
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Dec 5, 2006 5:46:48 GMT -5
Post by Nana on Dec 5, 2006 5:46:48 GMT -5
Ooooooh, dirty ol' ladieo... Hahaha!
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Jan 16, 2007 9:08:58 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jan 16, 2007 9:08:58 GMT -5
MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog. 8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. 10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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Jan 17, 2007 9:30:47 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jan 17, 2007 9:30:47 GMT -5
#rofl# I loved those Tex! Thank you!
I just got this in a email... (caution: very cheesy humor)
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers .
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Jan 25, 2007 14:59:42 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jan 25, 2007 14:59:42 GMT -5
Texal gal and Remi, awesome jokes!
Redneck Male pick up lines
1) Did you fart? ......cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? .....cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock."
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,....................... every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
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Jan 25, 2007 16:28:27 GMT -5
Post by furg on Jan 25, 2007 16:28:27 GMT -5
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Jan 25, 2007 17:52:43 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jan 25, 2007 17:52:43 GMT -5
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Jan 31, 2007 17:28:24 GMT -5
Post by furg on Jan 31, 2007 17:28:24 GMT -5
Some light reading... ;D Amazingly useful tips: MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. Just tell the interviewer that you can save the company valuable time and money as you already have your own name plaque for your desk OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know. WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb. DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning and illness enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or kitchen knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air. AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until you return. SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. SENIOR CITIZENS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window. INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage. TAKE your wheelie bin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently used up. MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them. EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer. GIRLS Can't afford a vibrator? Simply fill an empty cigar tube with angry wasps and voila!
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Feb 13, 2007 17:34:51 GMT -5
Post by furg on Feb 13, 2007 17:34:51 GMT -5
It maybe old and "Doctored" but it is awesome!
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping
This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
And; last, but not least: 14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Charles Brown Store Manager
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Feb 13, 2007 22:54:52 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Feb 13, 2007 22:54:52 GMT -5
Furg, wow, you struck gold twice on those! I don't think I'm going to match you with these... Found in this month's synagogue bulletin:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Bargain One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he reaches his destination, he can't find any parking places. He looks and looks but he doesn't find one. Finally, he prays to God and says, "God, if you find me a parking spot, I'll go to synagogue every Saturday morning." Two minutes later, he finds a parking spot out of the blue and says, "Never mind God, I found one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Calorie Counters' Prayer (based on Psalm 23) The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want, He maketh me to lie down and do push-ups, He giveth me low-cal whole wheat bread. He restoreth my waistline. He leadeth me past the refrigerator for mine own sake. He maketh me to partake of the green beans instead of the potatoes. He leadeth me right past the pizzeria. Yea, though I walk through the bakery, I shall not falter, for Thou art with me. Thy Diet Coke and Sprite, they comfort me. Thou preparest a diet for me in the presence of those who would fill my plate with desserts. Thou anointest my lettuce with lo-cal oil. My cup will not overflow with chocolate milk-shakes. Surely, Ry Krisp and D-Zerta shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will live with pangs of hunger forever. AMEN.
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Feb 13, 2007 23:40:14 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Feb 13, 2007 23:40:14 GMT -5
The Schlamazel and the Hat
A Chabad Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He is an old man with a cane and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says.
"Thank you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on the young man's shoulder and says, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack. In the first race, he sees that there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1. So he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. In the third race, he bets on Bowler. In the fourth it's High Hat, and so on through the day.
.. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names. "So where's the money she says?" "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat. Which horse won the race?"
"It didn't matter. The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
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Feb 13, 2007 23:44:37 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Feb 13, 2007 23:44:37 GMT -5
Dear Wife,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silken boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes and went straight to bed after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore. You don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the cause I'm gone.
Your Ex-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me...Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together...Have a great life.
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. I did notice your hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my Mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50.00 from me that morning, and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought two tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me, so take care.
Signed...Rich as Hell and Free.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem.
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Feb 14, 2007 6:36:06 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Feb 14, 2007 6:36:06 GMT -5
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Mar 2, 2007 16:55:36 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Mar 2, 2007 16:55:36 GMT -5
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''
Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''
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Mar 23, 2007 12:24:26 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 23, 2007 12:24:26 GMT -5
Too funny!
GROCERY STORE TIME ZONES 6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking-deficient parents
9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips
12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed
3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after-work shoppers without kids
6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children
9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break
3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers
Please shop in *your* zone to avoid conflicts. Thank you! ________________________________________________
BRICKS A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Hey, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!"
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