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Mar 23, 2007 19:13:47 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Mar 23, 2007 19:13:47 GMT -5
Fly, A SMART BLONDE JOKE (FOR A CHANGE!) A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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Mar 23, 2007 19:21:29 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Mar 23, 2007 19:21:29 GMT -5
#rofl#
Thanks Fly and Tex!
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Mar 31, 2007 6:18:49 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Mar 31, 2007 6:18:49 GMT -5
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner or on your toe.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath : When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
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Apr 9, 2007 11:51:37 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 9, 2007 11:51:37 GMT -5
Too cute Remi!
REASONS THE EASTER BUNNY BRINGS EGGS - Tax write-off. - Who wants Easter bricks? - Consider all of the varieties: Scrambled, over easy, hard boiled. - He gets a good deal from the local chickens. - Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose. - Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board. - Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny. - Would you want to hunt for waffles? - He thinks there's guys who should get chicks at least once a year. - Because the Energizer rabbit already got the good job.
______________________________________-
Q: What did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill? A: There go 10 Easter bunnies hopping down the hill. Q: And, then what did the man say when he saw 10 Easter bunnies hopping down a hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing ... He didn't recognize them.
Knock-Knock Who's there? Some bunny. Some bunny who? Some bunny is eating my Easter candy!
Q: What do you call rabbits that marched in a long sweltering Easter parade? A: Hot, cross bunnies.
Q: How do bunnies stay healthy? A: Eggercise and Hareobics
Q: What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards? A: A receding hareline.
Q: How do you catch a unique bunny? A: Unique up on it!!
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Apr 11, 2007 11:36:32 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Apr 11, 2007 11:36:32 GMT -5
Love 'em, Fly! ----------------------------------------- WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me". Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
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Apr 11, 2007 14:49:08 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 11, 2007 14:49:08 GMT -5
Remi, #rofl#
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Apr 18, 2007 15:43:42 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 18, 2007 15:43:42 GMT -5
A priest and a rabbi...
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were seated next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" to which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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Apr 30, 2007 23:27:58 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Apr 30, 2007 23:27:58 GMT -5
I loved that one TG!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want toplay. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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May 1, 2007 5:37:08 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 1, 2007 5:37:08 GMT -5
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May 11, 2007 10:24:49 GMT -5
Post by Remi on May 11, 2007 10:24:49 GMT -5
I'm not sure if this is a "joke", but it's funny.
Underwear Is Important!
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Walmart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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May 11, 2007 15:49:43 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 11, 2007 15:49:43 GMT -5
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Jun 30, 2007 11:30:20 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jun 30, 2007 11:30:20 GMT -5
An oldie but a goodie:
WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did...
Scenario 1 HELPLINE: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened. HELPLINE: Did you put the key into the ignition slot and turn it? CUSTOMER: What's an ignition? HELPLINE: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine. CUSTOMER: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
Scenario 2 HELPLINE: GM HelpLine, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere. HELPLINE: Is the gas tank empty? CUSTOMER: Huh? How do I know? HELPLINE: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from E to F. Where is the needle pointing? CUSTOMER: It's pointing to E. What does that mean? HELPLINE: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to intall it for you. CUSTOMER: What? I paid $15,000 for this car. Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components. I want a car that comes with everything built in.
Scenario 3 HELPLINE: GM HelpLine, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: Your cars suck. HELPLINE: What's wrong? CUSTOMER: It crashed, that's what's wrong. HELPLINE: What were you doing? CUSTOMER: I wanted to run faster so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, then it crashed. And now it won't start. HELPLINE: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it? CUSTOMER: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't crash anymore.
Scenario 4 HELPLINE: GM HelpLine, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: Hi. I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks. HELPLINE: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you? CUSTOMER: How do I work it? HELPLINE: Do you know how to drive? CUSTOMER: Do I know how to what? HELPLINE: Do you know how to drive? CUSTOMER: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car.
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Jun 30, 2007 18:30:05 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Jun 30, 2007 18:30:05 GMT -5
I LOVE those TG!!! Thanks for sharing.
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Jul 1, 2007 16:05:28 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jul 1, 2007 16:05:28 GMT -5
Good one, Texasgal!
IMPORTANT DRUG WARNING Police warn all clubbers, partygoers, and unsuspecting bar regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs."
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
______________________________________________
GETTING INTO THE OLYMPICS Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."
Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."
The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."
The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"
The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."
The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."
They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.
Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."
_________________________________________________
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells The salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches." "Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo .... I've got Windoooooows!"
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Jul 3, 2007 12:12:34 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Jul 3, 2007 12:12:34 GMT -5
MAKING A BABY....
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am"
"Good morning, I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain,"Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat". After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my Gosh!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.
"Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long...."
Mrs. Smith fainted....
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