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Jun 9, 2006 17:57:14 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jun 9, 2006 17:57:14 GMT -5
AVAILABLE MEN Sophie and Shirley, two elderly spinsters in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says. "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
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Jun 10, 2006 8:37:36 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jun 10, 2006 8:37:36 GMT -5
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Jun 10, 2006 9:07:03 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jun 10, 2006 9:07:03 GMT -5
Remi, your cartoon brings back fond memories of my cycling days. Thank goodness for spandex but even spandex has its limits.
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Jun 10, 2006 12:22:51 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jun 10, 2006 12:22:51 GMT -5
Remi, that cute! My offering is not really a joke but I found it interesting. Hope the forum enjoys it.
Stress Management ; A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "how heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, "The Absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it." "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. "In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden." "So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can." "Relax; Pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it! And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life: * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by Their maker. * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. * Never buy a car you can't push. * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because Then you
won't have a leg to stand on. * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. * The second mouse gets the cheese. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be The world to one person. * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are Pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. Have an awesome day
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Jun 10, 2006 13:58:59 GMT -5
Post by Remi on Jun 10, 2006 13:58:59 GMT -5
OH, I love those Fly! But, I'd like to add... the person who can enjoy the scenery on a detour is probably NOT driving and the one who gave the faulty directions in the first place AND doesn't have to use the restroom. Mr. Remi is a very happy person.
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kittykat
Ned Coleman's Partner
Keeper of John Beckwith's Hands
Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels borderline inappropriate.
Posts: 197
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Jun 11, 2006 2:31:31 GMT -5
Post by kittykat on Jun 11, 2006 2:31:31 GMT -5
LOL @ all the jokes in here!! Good ones! #rofl# #lol#
Here's one I just got in an email: *********************** It's A Monk's Life In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand.
He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."
He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.
The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian," he called.
The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!"
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Jun 11, 2006 13:10:15 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jun 11, 2006 13:10:15 GMT -5
Remi and Kittykat: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How true to life is this?Subject: BBQ It's BBQ season again (for those of us north of the equator). Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: 1. The woman buys the food. 2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. 3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part: THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ONTO THE GRILL. Next: 5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation. Important part again: 7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. Next: 8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table. 9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And the most important part of all: 10. Everyone praises the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts. 11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off" and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes there's just no pleasing some women!
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kittykat
Ned Coleman's Partner
Keeper of John Beckwith's Hands
Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels borderline inappropriate.
Posts: 197
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Jun 11, 2006 15:34:52 GMT -5
Post by kittykat on Jun 11, 2006 15:34:52 GMT -5
Boy, isn't that the truth? LMAO, good one TG! #lol#
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Jun 13, 2006 12:52:34 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jun 13, 2006 12:52:34 GMT -5
WARNING : DIRTY JOKE
a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant!
Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
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kittykat
Ned Coleman's Partner
Keeper of John Beckwith's Hands
Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels borderline inappropriate.
Posts: 197
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Jun 13, 2006 13:57:12 GMT -5
Post by kittykat on Jun 13, 2006 13:57:12 GMT -5
Hahahahahahahahaha!!! This one's hilarious! #lol# #rofl# #rofl#
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Jun 16, 2006 11:26:29 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Jun 16, 2006 11:26:29 GMT -5
Bush Declares War On Bird Flu
Saying that "America must take a preemptive approach to the War on Bird Flu," President Bush launched a nuclear attack on Turkey today. He said the Canary Islands are next...
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kittykat
Ned Coleman's Partner
Keeper of John Beckwith's Hands
Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels borderline inappropriate.
Posts: 197
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Jun 17, 2006 3:03:24 GMT -5
Post by kittykat on Jun 17, 2006 3:03:24 GMT -5
That SO sounds like something Bush would do ... or Rumsfeld. #rofl#
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Jun 18, 2006 15:18:50 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jun 18, 2006 15:18:50 GMT -5
Those were priceless, ladies.
A pagan dies and finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. He says to Saint Peter, "Uh, I'm not supposed to be here. Us pagans go to the Summerland when we die, y'know." Saint Peter sighs and says, "Well, son, the Summerland is currently closed for renovations. I know you've led a good life and followed the 'do-unto-others' rule and whatnot, but we just can't take pagans into Heaven. I'm sorry, but you'll have to go to Hell."
Well, our pagan friend is understandably upset, but he's a roll-with-the-punches kinda guy. He asks Saint Pete how to get to Hell, and good ol' Saint Pete tells him to follow the road off to the left that slopes downward.
After a pleasant walk, he arrives in a huge green field dotted with trees and flowers and happy people wandering about. He walks over to a fella wearing a red shirt and says, "Um, sorry to bother you, but I could use some help here. See, I'm supposed to go to Hell because I'm a pagan--" "Yeah, I know," says red-shirt-wearing-man. "Welcome to Hell. I'm Satan." "I thought hell was supposed to be all fiery and painful and stuff like that. What gives?" "Oh, you were misinformed by the publicity department. Gotta keep up that negative PR or God comes down and gives me all kinds of grief. Hell's actually not a bad place." The pagan is flabbergasted and just stands there, staring at Satan. As he's trying to get his brain back in order, a huge rip opens up in the sky and a large crowd of screaming, crying people proceeds to fall into the gaping hole that's opened up beneath them. The hole is belching flames and sulfur and all that nastiness. The poor pagan watches this and says, "Satan, what's going on over there? Who are those people?"
"Oh, them? They're Christians. They wouldn't have it any other way."
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kittykat
Ned Coleman's Partner
Keeper of John Beckwith's Hands
Okay, Kitty Kat, this feels borderline inappropriate.
Posts: 197
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Jun 19, 2006 0:27:34 GMT -5
Post by kittykat on Jun 19, 2006 0:27:34 GMT -5
Hahahahahaha!! Good one! #biglol#
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Jun 24, 2006 9:40:25 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jun 24, 2006 9:40:25 GMT -5
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
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