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Jun 25, 2006 15:03:25 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jun 25, 2006 15:03:25 GMT -5
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself: Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Woman: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Woman: "No they open."
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Jun 25, 2006 15:05:44 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jun 25, 2006 15:05:44 GMT -5
Those were funny Pancake!
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: 1. COWS 2. THE CONSTITUTION 3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse........ You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates a hostile work environment.
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Jun 27, 2006 19:16:01 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jun 27, 2006 19:16:01 GMT -5
Good ones, Fly! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These aren't jokes but they are actual mis-statements and typos from actual synagogue bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our Oneg [ a social reception following worship services] after services. Prayer and medication to follow. 2. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation. 2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss. 4. Thursday at 9 there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All women wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the Rabbi in his private study. 5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays. 6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community center. Music will follow. 7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC [ Jewish Community Center]. Please use the large double door at the side entrance. 8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary. 9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel. 11. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 12. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you! 13. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fund raising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours." 14. Please pray for our rabbi's dear wife, Bayla bat Golda, who has been in bed with the doctor for nearly a week.
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Jun 29, 2006 13:34:28 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jun 29, 2006 13:34:28 GMT -5
The Dress-
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement-- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!" NOW I ASK YOU -- IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T! ENJOY THIS STORY? SEND IT TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW WHO LOVES TO LAUGH
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Jul 1, 2006 19:19:32 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Jul 1, 2006 19:19:32 GMT -5
Pinocchio and Splinters.........
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem working out with your girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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Jul 3, 2006 13:03:02 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on Jul 3, 2006 13:03:02 GMT -5
#rofl# Good ones everybody. Thanks for sharing.
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Jul 21, 2006 15:11:01 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Jul 21, 2006 15:11:01 GMT -5
This is so funny Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Wait for itReady?Answer: Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're p*ssed.
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Jul 26, 2006 22:05:30 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Jul 26, 2006 22:05:30 GMT -5
HH, that was funny.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oldie but goodie... this is funny:
Warning! Incredibly Harmful Virus!
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened criminal.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their dates and rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows and refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
Be very, very afraid.
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Jul 29, 2006 10:33:59 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Jul 29, 2006 10:33:59 GMT -5
Why, Why, why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my! FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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Jul 29, 2006 15:45:53 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jul 29, 2006 15:45:53 GMT -5
Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude to try to figure out where he was when he spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I appear to be a little off course. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
Amazed by what she said, the balloonist stated "You must be in Information Technology!" "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is that I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below smiled and responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Aug 1, 2006 11:51:19 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on Aug 1, 2006 11:51:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the jokes everyone.
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Aug 7, 2006 13:56:12 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Aug 7, 2006 13:56:12 GMT -5
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE POTATOES Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what do do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "di*k Tators."
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck Tators."
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Tators."
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Tators."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Tators."
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Tators."
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called " Sweet Tators."
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Aug 14, 2006 12:10:22 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Aug 14, 2006 12:10:22 GMT -5
What was funny Check this pics out Just in case Batman forgets Umm Decisions Excuse me! Then how do i get in.........the exit maybe! Hope its not an urgent emergency!! Um sounds tasty And you thought that skill would be useless McDeath Not even an emergency phone? No!! I mean the other right Oppss Not secret anymore! Another example of "rocket science"
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Aug 14, 2006 20:56:57 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Aug 14, 2006 20:56:57 GMT -5
HA HA Thanks everyone for the chuckles. Anyone notice the price of gas on that "DIESEL FRIED CHICKEN" sign? Photo must be about 6 years old.
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Aug 15, 2006 10:31:22 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on Aug 15, 2006 10:31:22 GMT -5
>:(Great "tators" FlyGirl2000. Funny signs hutchshottie. Thanks for sharing.
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