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May 9, 2006 12:17:25 GMT -5
Post by Remi on May 9, 2006 12:17:25 GMT -5
o.k I have one but i want ppl to guess the answer first: There was this famous psycharitrist who used to tell his patients this story to see if they could be pscycotic serial killer. Well here it goes: There was a woman who was attending her mother's funeral. Everyone came, relatives, friends, and co-workers. All of whom that she knew, except for one guy. She had never seen this guy before and fell madly in love with him at first sight. About a month later she killed her sister. Why? Gee, I'd love to give you the answer, but you'll have to send me your name and address first. ... and then don't go to sleep.
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May 9, 2006 15:10:51 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on May 9, 2006 15:10:51 GMT -5
Wow punk thats awesome i never would have guessed. damn those kidergarteners for being smarter than me And the onther one well...i think i might know the answer but i dont want to be pegged as a serial killer heres a new joke A Hispanic man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only Hispanic man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The Hispanic man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen Pendejo....when i was born, i was tan, " "When i grew up, i was tan, " "When i'm sick, i'm tan, " "When i go in the sun, i'm tan, " "When I'm cold, i'm tan, " "When i die, i'll be tan ." But you pendejo...." "When you're born, you're pink, " "When you grow up, you're white, " "When you're sick, you're green, " "When you go in the sun, you turn red, " "When you're cold, you turn blue, " "And when you die, you turn purple." "And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
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May 12, 2006 21:09:14 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on May 12, 2006 21:09:14 GMT -5
I agree with Texasgal on that funeral then murder riddle that anyone who can answer the riddle is - or has the potential to be - a serial killer - or a writer with an overactive and creative imagination.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
TOP 21 BUMPER STICKERS FOR WOMAN
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21.SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO ME!
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May 13, 2006 12:26:24 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on May 13, 2006 12:26:24 GMT -5
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 13, 2006 17:29:07 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 13, 2006 17:29:07 GMT -5
aaawwww, come on you guys just try and answer!!!! Its no fun when no 1 tries!
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May 13, 2006 18:23:57 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 13, 2006 18:23:57 GMT -5
Punkrox, I'd attempt to answer both. I wouldn't even care if my answers were stupid. But, honestly, I just can't think of an answer to either. I swear!
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May 13, 2006 19:22:39 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on May 13, 2006 19:22:39 GMT -5
I'm sorry for the racy joke I just can't help it. If any of my jokes offend anyone please let me know and i will take them down.
The Career Ambitions of Babies There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up. The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 13, 2006 20:32:50 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 13, 2006 20:32:50 GMT -5
AAAWWWWWW....fine...I 'll tell the answer, after a few more ppl guess ;D
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May 13, 2006 22:02:18 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on May 13, 2006 22:02:18 GMT -5
Punk..you know the answer??
I skipped over a few posts so if you already stated that yuo did I apologize.
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 15, 2006 18:15:03 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 15, 2006 18:15:03 GMT -5
o.k I have one but i want ppl to guess the answer first: There was this famous psycharitrist who used to tell his patients this story to see if they could be pscycotic serial killer. Well here it goes: There was a woman who was attending her mother's funeral. Everyone came, relatives, friends, and co-workers. All of whom that she knew, except for one guy. She had never seen this guy before and fell madly in love with him at first sight. About a month later she killed her sister. Why? Well..I guess I can give the answer: its because she wanted to see if that mysterious man would show up again.
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 19, 2006 21:08:43 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 19, 2006 21:08:43 GMT -5
no replies?? Nor does anyone else want to share a joke??
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May 24, 2006 4:22:52 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on May 24, 2006 4:22:52 GMT -5
I am usless at them but here goes
What outranks a Princess?
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b***h."
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,"but even in Heaven,a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.
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May 28, 2006 13:59:05 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on May 28, 2006 13:59:05 GMT -5
ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY HORSE ~ When in doubt, run far, far away. ~ You can never have too many treats. ~ Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of. ~ New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks. ~ Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work. ~ Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss. ~ Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still. ~ Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest. ~ Eat plenty of roughage. ~ Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too. ~ When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot. ~ In times of crisis, take a poop. ~ Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do. ~ Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame. ~ A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention. ~ Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat. Submitted by Sharon B., Unionville, PA
-----------------------------------------
DERBY HORSE A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey! Come over here buddy!"
The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?"
The horse replies, "Sure was. Man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this stupid farmer bought me. Now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run."
The jogger thought to himself, "Boy a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house to where the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger yells to the farmer, "Hey old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that broken-down old nag you've got in the field."
The farmer replies, "Son, this has happened before. You can't believe anything that darn horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."
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Jun 2, 2006 17:44:28 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Jun 2, 2006 17:44:28 GMT -5
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."
Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"
Me: "No, it's to go."
At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
Manager: "No. A what?"
Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."
Server: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
Server: "I don't know."
Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"
Server: "Yeah."
Me: "So, why won't you take it?"
Server: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."
Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."
Server: "What should I do?"
Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."
Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."
Manager: "Just tell him."
Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."
Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."
Manager: "We don't take those, either."
Me: "Why not?"
Manager: "I think you know why."
Me: "No really ... tell me why."
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "Excuse me?"
Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."
Me: "What on earth for?"
Manager: "Please, sir."
Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
Manager: "Would you please just leave?"
Me: "No."
Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."
Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some ... (pause) funny money."
Guard: "No kidding! What?"
Manager: "Get this ... a two dollar bill."
Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."
Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"
Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."
Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"
Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
Guard: "Yeah."
Security Guard walks over to me and ...
Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
Me: "Uh, no."
Guard: "Lemme see 'em."
Me: "Why?"
Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
Manager: "It's fake."
Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."
Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."
Guard: "Yeah ... ?"
Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot, and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue.
So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. You get free food there, too!
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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Jun 2, 2006 18:25:12 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on Jun 2, 2006 18:25:12 GMT -5
I am usless at them but here goes What outranks a Princess? A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up b***h." Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,"but even in Heaven,a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are. I really liked the top one!!
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