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Apr 17, 2006 17:00:51 GMT -5
Post by furg on Apr 17, 2006 17:00:51 GMT -5
Via email. Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table,eating. Jack asks "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies,"Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married! ;D Broken furniture $85.26 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Red rosebud $3.00 Two Aspirins $0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time......... P r i c e l e s s !!
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Apr 19, 2006 15:28:42 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Apr 19, 2006 15:28:42 GMT -5
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when you face look Ed Zachary like you ass.
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Apr 19, 2006 22:25:47 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 19, 2006 22:25:47 GMT -5
My wife I and are approaching our 76th birthdays, and for the most part, we feel fine. A few weeks ago we had just gotten into bed when I noticed my wife taking an extra amount of time smoothing out her nightgown, then pulling up the covers and smoothing them out, and then finally going to work smoothing out her pillow. After watching all this activity for a while, I finally asked,
"What are you doing?"
"Well," she replied, "I don't like to sleep on wrinkles."
"Ha!" I replied. "At our age, how can you avoid it?"
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,
"I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called "Stinky" when it was in her room but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty.
"Tell me," he asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?"
"That's easy," she replied. "Ballpoint is just his pen name."
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Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
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Remember, I don't write them, I only post them. Brenda
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Apr 21, 2006 17:47:13 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 21, 2006 17:47:13 GMT -5
Be careful when Dialing home
"Hello?" "Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief pause.
"Uh, okay then --- this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
**** Long pause ****
***** Longer pause *****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? .... Is this 486-5731??
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Apr 23, 2006 15:00:33 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Apr 23, 2006 15:00:33 GMT -5
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car."
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Apr 25, 2006 18:04:31 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 25, 2006 18:04:31 GMT -5
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" (You'll love this!!!)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
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Apr 29, 2006 14:00:43 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 29, 2006 14:00:43 GMT -5
Pancake and TG, those were cute AND will be forwarded. Too funny!
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
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...Where Did That Name Come From ?
Adobe This came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the house of founder John Warnock. Apple Computers It was the favorite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a better name by 5 O'clock. CISCO It is not an acronym as popularly believed. It is short for San Francisco. Compaq This name was formed by using COMp, for computer, and PAQ to denote a small integral object. Corel The name was derived from the founder's name Dr. Michael Cowpland. It stands for COwpland Research Laboratory. Google The name started as a joke boasting about the amount of information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100 zeros. After founders - Stanford graduate students Sergey Brin and Larry Page presented their project to an angel investor; they received a cheque made out to 'Google'
Hotmail Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages. It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective uppercasing.
Hewlett Packard Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or Packard-Hewlett.
Intel Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company 'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain so they had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.
Lotus (Notes) Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. Microsoft Coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft, the hyphen was removed later on. Motorola Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the time was called Victrola.
ORACLE Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the project was called Oracle (the CIA saw this as the system to give answers to all questions or something such). The project was designed to help use the newly written SQL code by IBM. The project eventually was terminated but Larry and Bob decided to finish what they started and bring it to the world. They kept the name Oracle and created the RDBMS engine. Later they kept the same name for the company. Sony It originated from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.
SUN Founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym for Stanford University Network. Andreas Bechtolsheim built a microcomputer; Vinod Khosla recruited him and Scott McNealy to manufacture computers based on it, and Bill Joy to develop a UNIX-based OS for the computer. Yahoo! The word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book 'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! Founders Jerry Yang and David Filo selected the name because they considered themselves yahoos.
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May 6, 2006 16:31:24 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on May 6, 2006 16:31:24 GMT -5
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"
His wife, finally fed up with her husband shouts back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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May 6, 2006 16:44:48 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 6, 2006 16:44:48 GMT -5
Excepts from Witty Words From Wise Women: (Modified to correct title).
There are few topics that arouse such intense feelings among women as the topic of men. We have a love-hate relationship with the opposite sex.
We love their attention; it makes us feel appreciated and valued. We hate their attention; it makes us feel like sex objects.
We appreciate their male energy; it's intriguing, intense, and stimulating. We deplore their male energy; it's competitive, combative, and causes trouble.
We admire that male-bonding thing because it's tight and impenetrable. We hate that male-bonding thing because we feel excluded.
We respect powerful men; they know how to take charge. We resent powerful men; they're controlling and domineering.
What are we to do? Can't live with 'em, can't send them back to Mars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." -- Women's rest room, di*k's Last Resort, Dallas, TX.
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May 7, 2006 9:47:51 GMT -5
Post by britgirl on May 7, 2006 9:47:51 GMT -5
Thanks for posting that texasgal. It's great.
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 7, 2006 18:21:37 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 7, 2006 18:21:37 GMT -5
o.k I have one but i want ppl to guess the answer first:
There was this famous psycharitrist who used to tell his patients this story to see if they could be pscycotic serial killer. Well here it goes:
There was a woman who was attending her mother's funeral. Everyone came, relatives, friends, and co-workers. All of whom that she knew, except for one guy. She had never seen this guy before and fell madly in love with him at first sight.
About a month later she killed her sister. Why?
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 7, 2006 18:31:05 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 7, 2006 18:31:05 GMT -5
I got this as a bulletin on myspace.com but i never got the answer. Can you guys help me figure it out? I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubble. If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop. Can you guess the riddle? 97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer? i believe the answer is "No I can't" since the question asks "can you answer the riddle" for kindergarteners the most likely answer could be no, or nothing.
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 7, 2006 18:37:38 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 7, 2006 18:37:38 GMT -5
hey when did i become a party girl??? ALLLLLLRRIIGHHTT!!!!!
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May 7, 2006 20:13:19 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on May 7, 2006 20:13:19 GMT -5
Punk, I've seen that riddle before - the one about the funeral and the murder. But I couldn't answer it. I remember there is an answer to the riddle and, when the answer is revealed, it is so simple in hindsight.
But the "moral" of the riddle is that anyone who can answer the riddle is - or has the potential to be - a serial killer. Needless to say, that is chilling if it is true.
I have yet to discover the answer to the other riddle. Does anyone know if there is an answer?
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punkrox
Hutch's Tiny Dancer
Posts: 72
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May 7, 2006 22:13:56 GMT -5
Post by punkrox on May 7, 2006 22:13:56 GMT -5
hey hey hey.....thats why I'm letting ppl guess.... la la la la as for the other riddle i checked online and the most compelling answer is "nothing" since it was sent on MYSPACE.com claiming that if it were posted onto their friends' page then the answer would be put in one's inbox, and Nothing was put. also, most riddles that are given to kindergarteners usually ends in "What Am I?" the question implying for direct identification, however this riddle ended with "Can you answer the question" simply being, can you answer it, yes or no. So it would make more sense for young children to say "No, i can't." some pple suggestesd pressure or time, but how can pressure chage the fur of a polar bear, or how can time pop?
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