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Apr 9, 2006 20:06:54 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 9, 2006 20:06:54 GMT -5
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
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Apr 10, 2006 11:53:22 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Apr 10, 2006 11:53:22 GMT -5
Love it Fresh from the shower, a lady stood in front of the mirror complaining to her >husband that her breasts were too small. > >Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he >uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion. "If you want your >breasts to grow, then everyday take a piece of toilet >paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." > >Willing to try anything, She fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood in >front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. > >"How long will this take?", she asked. > >"They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies. > >She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my >breasts every day will make my breasts bigger over the years?" > > >Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" MEN!!!!!
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AnaMaria
Ned Coleman's Partner
WHERE'S THAT FIREPLACE, O?
Posts: 162
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Apr 10, 2006 14:08:34 GMT -5
Post by AnaMaria on Apr 10, 2006 14:08:34 GMT -5
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Apr 10, 2006 21:23:16 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 10, 2006 21:23:16 GMT -5
How To Treat A Woman Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat A Man
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. Don't block the TV
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Apr 11, 2006 11:02:52 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 11, 2006 11:02:52 GMT -5
HH and Tex - brilliant!
Two buddies, di*k Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President?" George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! '' As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...
"It's pronounced 'quiche'."
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Apr 11, 2006 19:33:48 GMT -5
Post by Nana on Apr 11, 2006 19:33:48 GMT -5
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Apr 12, 2006 12:08:11 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 12, 2006 12:08:11 GMT -5
TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"? Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beeper s, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God: I will try to do better so I can go to heaven. I promise... 1. I will not eat the cats' food be fore they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. 3 I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. 9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. 10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello". 11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table. 12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after. 13. I will not throw up in the car. 14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt. 15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company. 16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. And, finally, My last question . . . Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16? P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
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A little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"
"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view. Sighing with relief, the driver pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."
"Is this Oriskany Falls?"
"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"
"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."
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Apr 13, 2006 14:08:39 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 13, 2006 14:08:39 GMT -5
What gender is it?
If you're like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender.
For example... Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.
Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and often it's over inflated.
Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges -- Female, because they're soft and squeezable and retain water.
Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
Remote Control -- Female...Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider that it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
--------------------------------------------
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's (2005) winners:-
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit!)
Glibido: All talk and no action.
And last, but not least. . . . .
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Apr 13, 2006 15:18:04 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Apr 13, 2006 15:18:04 GMT -5
Everyone's been coming up with great jokes lately. Thanks for sharing!
Here's a few for tax season.
For those outside of the United States, here's the situation. Traditionally, our annual deadline to file tax returns in on April 15. When the 15th is on a weekend, the deadline is the following Monday. This year, we're due to file taxes by Monday, April 17.
*****
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE THEME SONG
Tax his cow, tax his goat; Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his crop, tax his work; Tax his ties, tax his shirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke; Teach him taxing is no joke. Tax his tractor, tax his mule; Tell him, "Taxing is the rule." Tax his oil, tax his gas; Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more; Tax him 'til he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid. Put these words upon his tomb: "Taxes drove him to his doom." After he's gone, we won't relax; We'll still collect inheritance tax.
*****
TAX DEDUCTIONS
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry in "Sweating Out Taxes"
*****
FINAL REQUEST
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"
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Apr 14, 2006 12:22:30 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 14, 2006 12:22:30 GMT -5
It Spring and out come the golfing jokes:
GOLF THOUGHTS
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
- Golf is a five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
- The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
- There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
- Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
- Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
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GOOD EYE SIGHT
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
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Apr 15, 2006 13:04:48 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 15, 2006 13:04:48 GMT -5
In the Spirit of Tax Season
TOP TEN WAYS THE IRS CAN IMPROVE IT'S IMAGE
10. Change name from "I.R.S." to "F.U.N." 9. Tell dumb guys that "I.R.S." stands for "International House of Pancakes." 8. If your auditor doesn't have minty-fresh breath, you don't pay a dime. 7. New ad campaign: 3 lovable frogs that say, "I," "R," "S." 6. In addition to the short form and the long form, introduce an extra-long form called the "Magnum." 5. Two words: deductible fudge. 4. Publish pamphlet: "101 ways to cheat on your taxes and not get caught." 3. From now on, if you're short on cash, you can pay in "good vibes." 2. Throw Leona Helmsley in jail again. 1. Stop hassling folks, dude. ©MMV, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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The rich aren't like us; they pay less taxes. - Peter De Vries
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APRIL 15: Deep in the heart of taxes. (http://wordfoolery.com)
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Apr 15, 2006 19:15:09 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Apr 15, 2006 19:15:09 GMT -5
I got this as a bulletin on myspace.com but i never got the answer. Can you guys help me figure it out?
I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubble. If you sqeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?
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Apr 16, 2006 19:56:46 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Apr 16, 2006 19:56:46 GMT -5
Cute thoughts for Easter...
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket. Walk softly and carry a big carrot. Everyone needs a friend who is all ears. There's no such thing as too much candy. All work and no play can make you a basket case. A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention. Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits. Some body parts should be floppy. Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans. Good things come in small sugarcoated packages. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare. To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell. The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
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Apr 17, 2006 12:52:27 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 17, 2006 12:52:27 GMT -5
Pancake, I think the answer is Pressure! TOP "OUT-OF-THE-OFFICE" EMAIL AUTO-REPLY as submitted to www.Dilbert.com1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 2. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it. 3. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 4. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message. 5. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted. 6. Oops! Did you really mean to cc that to the whole department? 7. I have been abducted by aliens. My only hope of rescue was to change my auto-reply and hope that someone will pass on this information to Fox Mulder. 8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10. For job offers over $100K, please send a fax to Baja Beach club, Honolulu. 11. I've run away to join a different circus. 12. Hey, I'm really here today. I just couldn't answer your e-mail before this automatic thing started. Dilbert ©2001 United Feature Syndicate, Inc. -------------------------------------------- The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. - Peter Neumann
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Apr 17, 2006 14:07:57 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Apr 17, 2006 14:07:57 GMT -5
thank flygirl. it does make sense. but how would kindergarten kids know that?
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