Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Mar 24, 2006 11:32:18 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Mar 24, 2006 11:32:18 GMT -5
Love the Noah jokes. ************** KID COMMENTS * A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth?" One little girl spoke up: "According to my daddy -- terrible!" * Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the little tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!" * Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue." * I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other, my grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"
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Mar 25, 2006 12:34:02 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 25, 2006 12:34:02 GMT -5
The makers of French's mustard made the following recent statement:
"We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing that we have in common is the fact that we are both yellow"
~~~~~~
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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Mar 28, 2006 23:00:26 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 28, 2006 23:00:26 GMT -5
Here is one just for HH as she has had a lot of car trouble lately.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAR HAS TO BE RECALLED
10. Windshield wipers are on the inside 9. Salesman offered to knock $500 off your funeral 8. To make a right turn, you have to get out of car and physically turn wheels 7. You peel back the license plate and see "Saddam 1" 6. Feature that sets it apart from other cars? It's always on fire! 5. The "fan belt" spits venom and coils around your neck 4. Horn only audible to dogs 3. Bucket seats? Actual buckets 2. Dealer brags, "This is the car Stephen King owned when he wrote 'Christine'". 1. From transmission you hear the unmistakable cries of James Brolin"
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And for everyone else
MONEY FOR AN ELEPHANT
Two friends were standing at a bus stop when one gave a big sigh and said, "I wish I had enough money to buy an elephant."
His companion looked at him in astonishment and said, "What on earth would you do with an elephant?"
To which the first guy replied, "Oh, I don't really want an elephant; but, if I had enough money to buy an elephant, I'd be able to afford a car."
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Mar 29, 2006 10:53:50 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Mar 29, 2006 10:53:50 GMT -5
When Girls Drink Too Much
1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. Our last trip to pee, we realized that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just 4 hours ago.
5. We drop our 3am sub sandwich on the floor, which we're eating even though we aren't the least bit hungry, pick it up and carrying on eating it.
6. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love him or her sooo much.
7. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"
8. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
9. The man we're flirting with used to be our 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming to us.
11. Our eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so we keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. We've suddenly taken up smoking and are pretty good at it.
13. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's just because we can no longer taste the gin.
14. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (er, or the mop).
15. We start every conversation with a booming "Don't take this the wrong way but…"
16. We fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when we sit on it.
17. Our hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
18. We are tired so we just sit on the floor (wherever we happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. We begin leaving the buttons open on our button fly pant to cut down on the time we're in the bathroom away from our drink.
20. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problem walking straight.
Send this along to all the girls you know who like to have fun. Make them laugh at themselves like you probably did…Sadly, many of them are true.
What's even sadder is the fact that I've known a lot of girls who don't even have to drink to be guilty of any of these.
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Mar 29, 2006 19:45:29 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Mar 29, 2006 19:45:29 GMT -5
Margot, I had read that years ago, but thanks so much for posting it. I LOVE reading that!
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Mar 29, 2006 20:44:29 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 29, 2006 20:44:29 GMT -5
A man walks in the front door of a bar. He is mildly impaired; he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, tells the bartender:
"I'll have a scotch; and give everyone a drink on the house, and have one for yourself."
The bartender obliges, serves the house, has a drink, too with his customer, then suggests he might want to square up the tab; closing time is in 5 minutes.
The man, feels in his pickets, and says, "Whoops, I don't have any money."
The bartender picks him up by his collar and pants and heaves him out the door onto the street.
In two minutes the man is back at the bar and he says, "Barkeep, I'll have another scotch, and another round for the bar, but nothing for you: you get mean when you drink."
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Apr 1, 2006 12:57:31 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 1, 2006 12:57:31 GMT -5
MORAL/ETHICAL TEST
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
THINK BEFORE YOU CONTINUE READING:
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
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AnaMaria
Ned Coleman's Partner
WHERE'S THAT FIREPLACE, O?
Posts: 162
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Apr 1, 2006 13:37:47 GMT -5
Post by AnaMaria on Apr 1, 2006 13:37:47 GMT -5
1) "Woman need a reason to have sex, men just need a place" 2) "Having sex it's like playing bridge: if you don't have a good hand, you'd better have a good partner" 3) "A woman is sexy only until she becomes your wife" - Al Bundy ;D 4) "Do you know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither" - Steve Martin 5)"Woman can fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationship" -Sharon Stone
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Apr 2, 2006 12:27:40 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 2, 2006 12:27:40 GMT -5
AnaMarie, those were cute.
In Honor of April Fools Day!
- A fool and his money are never around when you need them. - A fool and his money are some party. - A fool is perceived as wise when he keeps his mouth shut. - A fool tests the depth of water with both feet. - A clown without a job is nobody's fool. - April Fool written by Sue Prize. - Better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove doubt. - Don't fool around with the knobs, I'm perfectly adjusted. - Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools! - Make something fool-proof, and someone will make a better fool. - Making a fool of yourself isn't so bad if you realize who did it. - Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
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PHONE MESSAGE
On April Fool's day my brother walked away from his desk. When he returned to his desk, he noticed a note taped to his screen; it had the name of Mr. Lions and the number where he could reach this individual.
When he called the individual back, he got this really grumpy lady at the other end. When he identified who he was and that he was returning Mr. Lion's call, the lady replied, "Son, I'm sorry, but this is the Pittsburgh ZOO."
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Apr 4, 2006 4:04:40 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Apr 4, 2006 4:04:40 GMT -5
Not a joke but a cool thing i was sent
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
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AnaMaria
Ned Coleman's Partner
WHERE'S THAT FIREPLACE, O?
Posts: 162
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Apr 5, 2006 10:58:45 GMT -5
Post by AnaMaria on Apr 5, 2006 10:58:45 GMT -5
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Apr 6, 2006 8:54:18 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Apr 6, 2006 8:54:18 GMT -5
AnaMaria -- Hilarious! Thanks! ******************* Dog and Cat Diaries DOG'S DIARY 7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite! 8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite! 2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite! 3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite! 4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favorite! 7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite! 8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite! 11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite! CAT'S DIARY Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture. Tomorrow I will eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan... There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
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Apr 6, 2006 17:06:23 GMT -5
Post by furg on Apr 6, 2006 17:06:23 GMT -5
Brilliant
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Apr 7, 2006 13:11:37 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 7, 2006 13:11:37 GMT -5
Lawyer Jokes
Q. You are stranded on a desert island when 3 boats approach. In one is a cannibal, in the 2nd a head hunter and in the 3rd an attorney. You have a gun, but only 2 bullets! What do you do? A. Shoot the attorney, twice.
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer? A. God doesn't think he's an attorney.
Q. How is a lawyer like a pickpocket? A. Need you ask.
Q. What is the first thing you should do after running over an attorney?
A. Back up.
Q. Why is a dumb lawyer like an alcoholic? A. Because he can't pass the bar.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mugger? A. A mugger uses a gun.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A. How many can you afford?
Q. A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and Santa Claus are at a table with $1000 in the center. The lights go out and the $1000 is missing. Who took it? A. The high priced lawyer. The other 2 are imaginary characters.
Q. What do you throw a drowning lawyer? A. His partners.
Q. How does a pregnant woman know when she's carrying a future lawyer? A. She has a craving for bologna.
Q. What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer? A. All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.
Q. Did you hear about the new Sushi bar that caters to lawyers?
A. It's called Sosumi.
Q. If one useless man is called a disgrace. What are two called? A. A lawfirm.
Lawyer: A member of that profession dedicated to protecting you from other members of that profession.
One dishonest man is a thief. Two make a lawfirm and three make a congress.
Q. What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer? A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
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The Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old = lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."
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Apr 9, 2006 12:58:57 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Apr 9, 2006 12:58:57 GMT -5
MEDICATION ADMINISTRATION
There was a crisis at the zoo. A respiratory virus was being spread from one large animal to the other and unless medicine was dispensed quickly, there was the possibility that all of them would die.
The problem was that nobody wanted to get into the cages to administer the dosage because they were afraid they would be mauled in the process. A meeting was called and someone came up with the idea that they could vaporize the medicine and send it through the air conditioning ducts. The animals could inhale the medication and nobody would be put in physical jeopardy.
And it worked! The procedure was thereafter forever known as ... "Medical air for the cage-ed". (Author Unknown)
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TAGLINES (http://taglinesgalore.com)
- Are there any side effects to these pills apart from bankruptcy? - Armed, dangerous and off my medication! - But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years - His doctor gave him a prescription for extra-strength placebos. - In a Church bulletin: "Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow." - Is it time for your medication or mine? - Oxymoron: One who does not know how to use pimple medication. - Proper oral hygiene will transcend dental medication. - Technical Books - "Sleeping pills you read!" - The pharmacist told me to take these pills as often as I can get the cap off.
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