[flygirl2000]

I hope this joke doesn't offend anyone. If it does, PM me and I'll delete it.

YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF...

- Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
- You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.
- You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
- You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
- You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
- You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.
- You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.
- You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
- You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.
- You have used a velvetleaf plant as toilet paper.
- You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
- You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
- You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
- You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.
- You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[flygirl2000]

THE ORIGIN OF EXPRESSIONS

* "Everything Comes In Threes" - Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

* "You Can't Take It With You (when you die)" - Well, that depends on what its. If it's your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

* "You Learn Something New Every Day" - Actually, you learn something old everyday. Just because you've just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

* "The Sky's The Limit" - Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

* "You Get What You Pay For" - Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

* "Tomorrow Is Another Day" - Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can't be sure. If it happens, I'll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

* "Nice Guys Finish Last" - Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times, it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.

* "If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All" - Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, THEN you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.

--------------------------------------------

Laws too gentle are seldom obeyed; too severe, seldom executed.- Benjamin Franklin

----------------------------------------------

COPYRIGHT
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write, if the copy is right. If however, your copy falls over, you must right your copy. If you write religious services you write rite, and have the right to copyright the rite you write.

Very conservative people write right copy, and have the right to copyright the right copy they write. A right wing cleric would write right rite, and has the right to copyright the right rite he has the right to write. His editor has the job of making the right rite copy
right before the copyright can be right.

Should Thom Wright decide to write right rite, then Wright would write right rite, which Wright has the right to copyright. Duplicating that rite would copy Wright right rite, and violate copyright, which Wright would have the right to right.

Right?

Copyright 1991 Shelley Herman S.P.E.B.S.Q.S.A., Whittier Chapter


Yes, I'm addicted to jokes.

[Looney Linn]

Woman's instructions

THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

[texasgal]

Not a joke but rather one of those fun, time-wasting quizzes we've all seen...

NO CHEATING! That will take all the fun out of it. Have a pen and paper handy before you read any further. As soon as you read a question, write the answer right away. Make sure to answer questions 1-10 before moving on...NO CHEATING!!

Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper into the woods. You enter a clearing, and before you is your dream house. Describe its size.

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.

7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?

10. How will you cross the water?

This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)

4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, styrofoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable. Styrofoam, paper, and glass are not durable. Metal and plastic are durable.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

[Margot]

Isn't this funny? The introduction to the book "How to Speak and Write Correctly" by Joseph Devlin says that the aim of the book is to show people how to use everday English correctly, yet it uses excessively academic English to say so. ;-)



INTRODUCTION

In the preparation of this little work the writer has kept one end in view, viz.: To make it serviceable for those for whom it is intended, that is, for those who have neither the time nor the opportunity, the learning nor the inclination, to peruse elaborate and abstruse treatises on Rhetoric, Grammar, and Composition. To them such works are as gold enclosed in chests of steel and locked beyond power of opening. This book has no pretension about it whatever,--it is neither a Manual of Rhetoric, expatiating on the dogmas of style, nor a Grammar full of arbitrary rules and exceptions. It is merely an effort to help ordinary, everyday people to express themselves in ordinary, everyday language, in a proper manner. Some broad rules are laid down, the observance of which will enable the reader to keep within the pale of propriety in oral and written language. Many idiomatic words and expressions, peculiar to the language, have been given, besides which a number of the common mistakes and pitfalls have been placed before the reader so that he may know and avoid them.

The writer has to acknowledge his indebtedness to no one in _particular_, but to all in _general_ who have ever written on the subject.

The little book goes forth--a finger-post on the road of language pointing in the right direction. It is hoped that they who go according to its index will arrive at the goal of correct speaking and writing.

[flygirl2000]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said "Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

----------------------------------------------------

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But I did send them."

"What?? You did???"

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the
plaintiff's business card."

[flygirl2000]

ACHY BREAKY HEART

Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot. One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music. Before they were shot they were asked for one last request before they died.

The country music lover said, "I would like to listen to 'Achy Breaky Heart' fifty times in a row."

The other music lover says, "Please, shoot me first."

[Margot]

The PMS Blues

Take a listen: www.badgirl1.com/PMS.htm

[flygirl2000]

Margot, Is that ever cute!

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1.Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy won`t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. you enjoy hearing about other people`s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. you no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks in the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15.You eyes won`t get any worse.

16. Your investments in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can`t remember them either.

19.Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20.You can`t remember who sent you this list.

[Margot]

I'm not even in my 40s yet, but a lot of those apply to me. YIKES!

***********

WARNING SIGN

I recently attended a small business marketing seminar at which the speaker used actual examples to reinforce her teaching points. She told a delightful story about a coffeeshop that distinguished itself from the competition by prominently displaying a warning sign that read: "Unattended children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy!"

[Pancake]

>There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
>woman.

>They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
>when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
>gesture, brings the two to life.

>The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a
>hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
>thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

>He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
>shrubbery.

>The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

>After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing....

>The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
>to do it again?

>He asks her. "Shall we?"

>She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
>time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on his head."

>AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

[Pancake]

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad." So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!

[flygirl2000]

Good ones, Pancake! The two statues was perfect! And for the workplace:

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY:

Company Policy: Effective March 01, 2006

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do! not need a raise.

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[texasgal]

Rules For Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

[flygirl2000]

LIFE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED FROM NOAH

1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6. Build your future on high ground.
7. For safety's sake travel in pairs.
8. Speed isn't everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9. When you're stressed, float awhile.
10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.
11. If you can't fight or flee -- float.
12. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
13. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- grab a shovel.
14. Stay below deck during the storm.
15. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
16. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
17. When you're stressed, float a while.
18. No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting.