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Feb 27, 2006 15:02:04 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Feb 27, 2006 15:02:04 GMT -5
Budweisers new ad Us dogs don't use hairdryers Someone got a bit carried away with this whole hot dog thing Now thats teamwork! Lets make friends! Fancy a cuddle Stating the obvious!
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Feb 28, 2006 13:51:25 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Feb 28, 2006 13:51:25 GMT -5
THE WATCH A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.
"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom."
When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"
"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"
"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
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Mar 4, 2006 12:53:16 GMT -5
Post by Natalie on Mar 4, 2006 12:53:16 GMT -5
A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".
Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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Mar 6, 2006 13:25:40 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 6, 2006 13:25:40 GMT -5
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK: I always know my limit when drinking. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening, Officer, isn't it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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Mar 6, 2006 14:30:53 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Mar 6, 2006 14:30:53 GMT -5
Letter to a shrink
Dear Shrink,
It haunted me for days, weeks, months, years. I couldn't sleep at night. The sleep I got was full of nightmares and visions.
I fought bout after bout, fight after fight, with plagues of depression and insomnia; paranoia! Just the thought vexed me night after night, day after day.
I served stints in mental institutions, was even suicidal. Not even the normal 1-2 punch of Prozac and Zoloft would help.
Who would think that such a terrible and utterly disgusting act of cruelty and injustice could exist? Exist here in the United States of America, the land of the free the home of the Braves?
I could see a terrible wrong like this happening in third world anarchies, but here? The only place in the world where you can buy a six piece chicken McNugget and redeem 250 UPC symbols for a blue, red, and white basketball all on the same day!
I can still hear their merciless, nerve wrecking, voices; taunting him. They kept shrieking over and over that horrid little phrase, "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
Why couldn't they just give the innocent, little, white rabbit some cereal? Why? Does the fact that he is a rabbit automatically deprive him of the democratic and patriotic notion, the freedom, of eating cereal?
I can vaguely recollect the times when he was this close to getting some of that, that CEREAL.
There was the time when he dressed as a human and went to that secret meeting but was given away by the exposure of his fluffy white tail (I am still wondering how they accepted the ears).
Then there was the time he went to space and ancient times and even the jungle, but to no avail. You cannot even imagine the rabbits pain.
There are times when you don't get what you want but you survive; now think of the rabbit. Over 50 YEARS of chasing his only hearts desire, the reason he lives, and NEVER getting it.
Can you even begin to understand his pain, his utter grief? He is such a funny little rabbit, not silly, as those demonic little children accuse him of being.
Despite all his efforts he never got any cereal; not even when the flavor berry-blue was added to the ever-so-popular flavors of orange. Cherry. Grape. Lemon. Lime. WHY?
Those heartless little children had so much cereal and they wouldn't share. Even one little spoonful would have satisfied my little white friend's craving for those delicious six flavors. But no!
"Trix aren't for rabbits. Trix are for kids. Oh! The unbearable agonizing pain it has cost me. That one simple phrase "silly rabbit, Trix are for kids."
For the fourteen antagonizing years of my short but cruel life I have watched helplessly as those evil little children refused to share. I've seen the pain in his eyes grow from when he was a black and white toon to the five-color symbol of melancholy, infinite sadness he is now.
No More! In a matter of moments I will be taken up into the ship following the glorious Hale-Bopp and with the help of some friends I. WILL. FEED. THE. RABBIT! Feed him to his hearts desire so he can finally enjoy the pleasure of the orange, cherry, grape, lemon, lime, and new wildberry blue.
I can't wait to see the look on their moronic little faces as I feed the rabbit! He will be happy as I, when I give Trix to the rabbit and kill the kids! Who's with me?
Sianara,
You Know Who
P.S. If you happen to find 496 Trix cereal tops and over 2,546 Betty Cocker points. You will know that I haven't failed. Oh yeah, trade them in for a 7 by 4 by 2 life size replica of the Trix Rabbit.
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Mar 7, 2006 17:17:56 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Mar 7, 2006 17:17:56 GMT -5
SHOCK YOUR FRIENDS! I made these kitten sonograms because everytime someone at my office gets pregnant, upper management freaks out a little. One co-worker announced last week that she's pregnant, so I decided to play a little joke and give people a brief scare this week -- things are really crazy around here when two people are pregnant at the same time. I attached the first photo below to an e-mail with the subject "Exciting News!" Besides the attachment, all that was in the e-mail was the message "see attached." Everyone thought it was a hoot! And a couple of people are going to forward the "kittygram" to friends and family as a joke. Feel free to do the same, if you like.
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Mar 8, 2006 14:08:31 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 8, 2006 14:08:31 GMT -5
FORREST GUMP in EVERYONE'S LIFE
We all remember the FORREST GUMPISM of : Life is like a box of chocolates.
FORREST ADAM AND EVE: ADAM = Chocolates are forbidden. EVE = Just eat one. FORREST ANDREWS: The Hills are alive ... like a box of chocolates. FORREST BOND: Vodka chocolate -- shaken, not stirred. FORREST BONES: Dammit Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate. FORREST CHURCH LADY: Chocolates ... well, isn't that special? FORREST DENVER: Chocolate Mountain high, in Colorado. FORREST FUDD: Wife is wike a box of chocowates. FORREST NICHOLSON: You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate! FORREST PRESLEY: Hunk-a-hunk a chocolate milk. FORREST SCOTTY: The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n. FORREST VADER: Luke, I am your chocolate. FORREST ZEV: I am one with the chocolate.
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Mar 10, 2006 12:35:11 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 10, 2006 12:35:11 GMT -5
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
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Mar 10, 2006 15:36:17 GMT -5
Post by furg on Mar 10, 2006 15:36:17 GMT -5
Good one Flygirl... Not a joke, but a wee funny cheery up thing. This is what a computer should do first thing in the morning! Click on the link below and then type in your first name... Link below ;D
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Mar 13, 2006 12:07:23 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 13, 2006 12:07:23 GMT -5
Good one Furg.
"A Dummies' Guide"
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
When you find a prize in a box of " Crackerjacks " there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
One + one = two. Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Mar 13, 2006 13:21:24 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Mar 13, 2006 13:21:24 GMT -5
Sure and it's Grand to be Irish!
Two men were sitting next to each other at a pub. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
The first guy says, "So am I, and where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Mar 14, 2006 13:23:59 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 14, 2006 13:23:59 GMT -5
Margot, that is so cute!
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent. --------------------------------------------------------------------- An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'." --------------------------------------------------------------------- "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony. Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony. Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?
--------------------------------------------------------------------- My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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Margot
Anthony's Spanish Tutor
How sweet and tender he is when brushing the eyelash from Margot's cheek.
Posts: 243
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Mar 15, 2006 10:58:45 GMT -5
Post by Margot on Mar 15, 2006 10:58:45 GMT -5
PUNNY READING
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
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Mar 15, 2006 14:10:36 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Mar 15, 2006 14:10:36 GMT -5
I love them Margot. My bro used to have a book full of them.
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100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. ............love this one 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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Mar 15, 2006 15:13:46 GMT -5
Post by flygirl2000 on Mar 15, 2006 15:13:46 GMT -5
Margot and HH, too funny!
The Way Children See Things!
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming Little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth Fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her Dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
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