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Nov 30, 2005 2:19:45 GMT -5
Post by furg on Nov 30, 2005 2:19:45 GMT -5
Obviously she was on the same flight as one of my brothers...
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Nov 30, 2005 6:40:29 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Nov 30, 2005 6:40:29 GMT -5
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Nov 30, 2005 8:54:57 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Nov 30, 2005 8:54:57 GMT -5
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Nov 30, 2005 13:43:54 GMT -5
Post by ocw on Nov 30, 2005 13:43:54 GMT -5
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Nov 30, 2005 13:48:48 GMT -5
Post by hutchshottie on Nov 30, 2005 13:48:48 GMT -5
I like this one. Great find
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Nov 30, 2005 16:44:37 GMT -5
Post by Pancake on Nov 30, 2005 16:44:37 GMT -5
this isnt really a joke but entertaining none the least
LOVE: When you write poems about your partner. LUST: When all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks
LOVE: When sex is called "making love" LUST: When sex is called "doing it" MARRIAGE: When you cant remember what you used to call it.
LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.
LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them. LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them. MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have. LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.
LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings. LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results. MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.
LOVE: When nobody else matters. LUST: When nobody else knows. MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner. LUST: When you like to see each other naked. MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.
LOVE: When you share everything you own. LUST: When you steal everything they own. MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.
LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, "HI." LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room. MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to b***h.
LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it. MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling." LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?" MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper.
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Nov 30, 2005 23:01:32 GMT -5
Post by WilsonFreak on Nov 30, 2005 23:01:32 GMT -5
Ah, those are so funny!!!! I LOVE Maxine!!!!!! Pancake, yours made me laugh too! ....... If you spin an Oriental man around............. does he get disoriented? .......... hehehehehhe
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Dec 1, 2005 6:48:49 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Dec 1, 2005 6:48:49 GMT -5
In the beginning...
God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben & Jerry's and Krispy Kreme. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too, with sprinkles." And, lo, they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak -- so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!" And Satan said: “It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then...Satan chuckled and created HMOs.
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Dec 2, 2005 3:24:54 GMT -5
Post by furg on Dec 2, 2005 3:24:54 GMT -5
Life explained:
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years" The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. ;D
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Dec 5, 2005 18:57:17 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Dec 5, 2005 18:57:17 GMT -5
A little levity for those of us who are struggling with fitness and weight control...
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not ake you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
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Dec 12, 2005 19:36:40 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Dec 12, 2005 19:36:40 GMT -5
Another oversimplified stereotype-joke that's been around on the internet...
Men are happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth and don't overcharge you. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000. Tux rental: $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Dec 13, 2005 9:29:09 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Dec 13, 2005 9:29:09 GMT -5
Translations For Men These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what guys really mean when they say... "IT'S A GUY THING" Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated:* "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated:* "Are you still talking?" "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday." "OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt." "HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translated:* "What did you catch me at?" "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again." "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."
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Dec 13, 2005 9:46:23 GMT -5
Post by Looney Linn on Dec 13, 2005 9:46:23 GMT -5
so I know its a double post but this was tooo funny! I had to post it. HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer Arrives at destination presently. HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air Pulls up to a 7 -11 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer Curses the night Curses you Curses the large slurpee Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all But she is laughing inside... And of course you're still lost.
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Dec 14, 2005 20:42:06 GMT -5
Post by texasgal on Dec 14, 2005 20:42:06 GMT -5
We all know about emoticons. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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Jan 9, 2006 16:20:21 GMT -5
Post by furg on Jan 9, 2006 16:20:21 GMT -5
Found this on My space, I thought it was funny enough to make an appearance here. "Perhaps you have been as fortunate as I to have heard this lovely piece of music recently put out by the Black Eyed Peas. I have heard it on few occasions and unlike most popular music that drones on in the background at the local mall or club... this one has some riveting questions. I have spent many a night pondering soulfully the questions raised in this musical piece of lyrical genius.
I have included the lyrics below... and have decided to finally answer the questions... in red font because thats how I am. A red font user to My Lovely Lady Lumps Question Answerer (yes thats on my resume)..." BLACK EYED PEAS LYRICS
"My Humps" What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?
Probably throw in a few mothballs to keep the clothes from getting those little mothy holes... I'm also thinking yardsale... but perhaps I should wait till summer when its better weather...
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump.
So this means your a camel that stores martini's instead of water?
Cool!
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)
That's 8 humps... using "little" as an adjective is no longer an option...
I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily, They treat me really nicely, They buy me all these icies. Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and NaDonna Karan, they be sharin’ All their money got me wearin' fly But I ain’t askin, They say they love my ass ‘n, Seven Jeans, True Religion's, I say no, but they keep givin’ So I keep on takin’ And no I ain’t taken We can keep on datin’ I keep on demonstrating.
It's never too late to celebrate being 14...weeee!
My love, my love, my love, my love You love my lady lumps,
Love is a strong word and emotion that I'm not comfortable sharing with the growth in your neck just quite yet... I apologize for any misunderstanding...
My hump, my hump, my hump, My humps they got u,
NOOOOO THey GOT ME... *Falls to the floor writhing in agony*
She’s got me spending. (Oh) Spendin’ all your money on me and spending time on me. She’s got me spendin’. (Oh) Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me
Perhaps you should have the bank automatically deduct 20 percent from your paycheck and put it right into your 401(K)... The humps don't have power over the auto-deduct feature at most banks.
What u gon’ do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans?
I hate when I find donkey's in my jeans... its SO FRUSTRATING... I'm going to take it back to the farm where it came from...
I’m a make, make, make, make you scream Make u scream, make you scream.
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Cos of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps. (Check it out)
WARNING: These Humps appear dangerous... especially when agitated... they have been known to cause a raucous and fires at your local 7-11. Please be careful... when dealing with her humps... her lovely lady lumps... I'm scared.
I met a girl down at the disco. She said hey, hey, hey yea let’s go. I could be your baby, you can be my honey Let's spend time not money. I mix your milk wit my cocoa puff, Milky, milky cocoa, Mix your milk with my cocoa puff, milky, milky riiiiiiight.
Um, is this some kind of breakfast cereal that I'm not aware of?
They say I’m really sexy, The boys they wanna sex me. They always standing next to me, Always dancing next to me, Tryin’ a feel my hump, hump. Lookin’ at my lump, lump. U can look but you can’t touch it, If you touch it I'ma start some drama, You don’t want no drama, No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama So don’t pull on my hand boy, You ain’t my man, boy, I’m just tryn’a dance boy, And move my hump.
You don't want her to write another song do you? Keep your hands off her hump PLEASE!
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump. My lovely lady lumps (lumps) My lovely lady lumps (lumps) My lovely lady lumps (lumps) In the back and in the front (lumps)
I'm starting to worry that you might need to see a doctor...
What you gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?
Hmmm... maybe I won't have a yardsale afterall... it is just my collection of mutilated barbies from that art show I never did. Nobody wants that sh*t.
I’ma get, get, get, get you drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump. What you gon’ do with all that ass? All that ass inside them jeans? I’ma make, make, make, make you scream Make you scream, make you scream.
I'd be screaming too if a camel and a donkey were drunk wearing my jeans...
What you gon’ do wit all that breast? All that breast inside that shirt? I’ma make, make, make, make you work Make you work, work, make you work.
Yeah, because when I'm done breastfeeding the baby your gonna have to work to support us... just sayin...She’s got me spendin’. Spendin all your money on me and spendin’ time on me She’s got me spendin’. Spendin' all your money on me, up on me, on me.
I want some of his money... where is this fellow?
[/b] "I hope they produce many more songs of this nature... It's rare that a piece of popular music affects me in such a way...
Thank you Black Eyed Peas. You have done our world a great service. Thank you." Louisa's My Space LinkThis reminds me of IMAQT for some reason, not that she's sarcastic or anything ;D Those of you who are easily offended on IMAQT's behalf, don't be it was a compliment
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