Love's Illusion

[WilsonFreak]

I need to share something with my friends..............WilsonFreak could easily be in love if the circumstances had been right.

I have a massive crush on my 25 year old boarder. He and his little brother (the organization Big Brothers, not biological) live in my basement, the downstairs of my house. I'm 36. 11 years older. not a biiigg deal, but still............Yet, the biggest thing is................my crush already has a girlfriend. And, of course, she is blond, slim, perfect complexion.

So, anyway, I have a crush on Mike, and it's making me really happy and smiley. *insert giggle* I'm having fun with it and just enjoying it because I'm not the type (and just wouldn't have the confidence even if I was) to try to break two people up.

But, he is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful person you would ever want to meet. I mean, come on, how many people devote 5 years of their life to being a Big Brother?! My younger boarder is 19 and very sweet also.

Anyway, I got to spend the whole afternoon with Mike today because he was building my new BBQ for me. That's how nice he is - and he also picked it up from the store for me, because it wouldn't fit in my little Beretta. Man, I had a great time!!! He's so easy to talk to, I don't think either one of us shut up for more than about 45 seconds all afternoon!! He's one of those comfortable people.

So, Im very happy, but in the back of my mind, I'm sad, because I'd love to have him as my boyfriend. Guess I just have to remember that there ARE people like him in the world, and I just have to keep trying to find one for myself. I'd just love to spend every minute with him, and that sounds like love to me!

I welcome comments and observations, I just had to share this with you all!

I told them that they are my adopted brothers!! And I'm never ever breathing a word of this to him, because I would die if he got uncomfortable, and stopped being able to hang around me.

So weird, I've only known him for 3 wks, but I am so happy when I'm with him and I miss him when we're apart! He works with my brother and says that my bro is one of his favorite people in the whole car dealership. What a lovely thing to say!! I just hope that one day he will also say that about me! My brother IS an awesome person - he'll do anything to help you. I don't believe Mike is attracted to me in any way at all, but, I'm so inexperienced with love/lust that I probably wouldn't know anyway. He can take me or leave me. It's not like he seeks me out to spend time with me. He's just nice to everybody, and interested in all subjects. ( He loves the Princess Diaries Part 2!!!!!!! How many macho men will admit to that?!)

So, WilsonFreak will be waiting to get some responses, see what any of you have to say, and any stories youhave to share about yourselves and your experiences, or people you've know.

[texasgal]

Hey WF, it's very sweet to have someone special in your life - even if he is just a friend. I shouldn't say "just" at all. I think in many ways friends is better than the romantic angle. With that, you have to constantly worry is the person enjoying me, am I entertaining enough, am I dressed right, do I look OK, am I intelligent enough, witty enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. etc. So much stuff to worry about that everything is spoiled by it. But - with friends - there's no pressure, no expectations. You can be youself and know they still like you.

I'm embarrassed to say I have a little crush on one of the city policemen who doubles as security guard at my synagogue. He seems kind of sweet on me too, but I don't think it's meant personally. He's sweet and very talkative with everyone. Always smiling, laughing, and very sociable. I find him very easy to speak with too - which is very unusual for me. I always smile and say Hello to him, ask him how he is, etc. Usually I'm shy around men - especially men I like in THAT way.

I think when two people are equally attracted to each other at the same time, it is such a rare thing that it must be some kind of miracle that it ever happens at all.

Enjoy and treasure your friendship with this man.

[Mrs.Sylfian]

HI wilsonfreak.....first of all i want to say that i totally agree with Texasgal;it is nice to have somebody like that even only as a friend.....but on the other hand i know how it feels to wonder every day what would be like if you dated.....i have a crush on one of my clients....the thing is i am 23 and he is 37 and i think he is one of the coolest guys in this world....and everytime i see him i get butterflies in my stomach......he is married with kids.happily married i must add...even thoug i know that there will never anything haapen between us still i am happy he is in my life.It is simply nice to have this rush in your stomach even just for a second,,,,,,
tha good thing for you Wilsonfreak is that you will see him everynow and then since he is friends with your brother and as you said he is always helpful.....you have at least that.So Enjoy that
And the Prinsees Diary 2 thing.......that is preety sweet for him to admitt that......maybe one day you can watch it together........

sylcia

[bunnypanda]

It is so wonderful that you are in love, WF!!!

When you are in love with someone, it is always painful to be in a situation like yours, although, as you said, you are very happy at the same time.

There is one quote I really like from the movie "Adaptation" written by Charlie Kaufman. It is
You're what you love, not what loves you.
In the scene where this line is said, a man says that he is free to love anyone he wants and no one, not even the girl he loves, can take that freedom away from him. He says that if the girl doesn't love him back, it's her problem, not his. I think what he says there is great. It kind of relieves me from the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me back, and lets me focus on the joy of loving someone.

I think, when you are in love, there is nothing wrong with showing it. Whether or not he will have the mutual feeling is his matter. I think that if you think in this way, he will not feel awkward when you show him your affection and, even if he will not have the mutual feeling, he will always be your friend. I am not sure how right this is but it seems to work for me.

And enjoy the friendship with him like texasgal and Sylcia have said

[texasgal]

Bunny, what you wrote was beautiful. You never cease to amaze me.

[WilsonFreak]

Aww, my sweet friends!! Thank you so much for your input!! It is exactly what I hoped to receive!! Yes, while I was reading your answers, I was smiling, because at least having Mike as a friend is a wonderful thing!! Tex, I love your story!! Maybe, just maybe, if he really feels an attraction, like you do, things will progress...................that would be very exciting for you!!

Bunny and Sylcia, thank you both so much also!!!!!!!

[bunnypanda]

texasgal said:

Bunny, what you wrote was beautiful. You never cease to amaze me.

Thank you very much texasgal But the credit really goes to Charlie Kaufman. That scene was to be honest life-changing for me.

WF I am so glad to hear you were smiling. It is wonderful that you are in love. It is wonderful to be in love.

[letters2dorian]

WF, i just read the story, after repeatedly reading ur "boarder" reference in ur posts and me going "huh??" several times...

i know exactly how u all feel! i had a crush on a guy from school who was *too* nice...what i mean is, every guy at my school was a stuck up jerk, and if they were nice, they were being fake (it was a trend; it was disgusting). so for the longest time, i thought this guy was fake...but he wasnt...so we became friends, and i had a friendly crush on him...however, i became sort of like that guy friend he never had...except, i was a girl...he would talk to me about his problems with his girlfriend, or what he should get his girlfriend, and stuff like that...and for a while, i was insanely jealous of her (Still am a bit, actually! lol) but then i realized that i liked being friends with him because he was real...he wasnt like everyone else at the school or the town, he actually cared if something he said insulted me or hurt my feeling, which no one ever before did (not even my friends! lol)

so, to this day, i'm still talking to him, and i recently found out that his little brother is best friends with my little sister! and his girlfriend is friends with my cousin! what a small world!


so basically, after a while, the feeling of being in love with him or whatever will fade to loving him cos he's your friend, which is sooo much better...because any guy you're in love with who later leaves you or never loved you back will never talk to you ever again, but a friend will always be there

[WilsonFreak]

Well, I guess it HAD to happen sooner or later....... my boarder inadvertently made me cry.

Yeah, I know, I'm an overly sensetive person..........sooo many people tell me that. Verrrrry emotional...............bet none of you had noticed that!!

Anyway, I had the day off work today, had a great time hanging out with friends, then came home around 5 or so. So, my boarder saw my car there for a few hours, heard me walking around, heard my stereo.............he HAD to know I was here. So,,,,,,,I hear some activity outside and I go out...............and there he is, with my other boarder and his friend, girlfriend in the house.................and they are BBQing................on MY bbq, of course.............BBQing Salmon.................................and never even thought to invite me. So, I stood outside talking for a few minutes, and teased him a bit about only having 5 pieces of salmon, none for me, and then, Totally Unlike what I usually do, I said, Well, I"m going in. I could see he knew that was a bit weird, and as I was going in, I said Enjoyyy your Salmon ........ and smiled.......... but then when I got inside, I started crying because my feelings were hurt that they KNEW I was home and never invited me for a salmon bbq. I just thought, F*&k!! I know if I was bbqing and I knew someone was home, alone, possibly with no supper plans, I would have checked with them to see if they'd like to join me. Ohhh, yeahhh, my feelings took a big blow tonight. Now I have a headache from crying. So, Mike has made me cry for the first time. MEN ARE JERKS. Sure, he and his girlfriend pretty much ate and ran, it wasn't a long sit down and party bbq, it was just supper, but still, ...........

Anyway, pretty sure I"m going to tell him some time that my feelings were hurt. I'm an open person. Why the hell should I suffer without him knowing that I did?

Oh, yeah...........also............ we had tentative plans to bbq on Monday................he also told me tongiht when I asked if we were bbqing on Monday, that he is going to be at his girlfriends on bbq (monday) night, that when we spoke about the bbq on thursday or so, he never even thought about it being a holiday....................and that will be the 4th week in a row we've missed. Two times were half my fault..................I had a friend in from out of town...........and last Monday Mike was here and had bought sausages for all of us to bbq, and I was gone, but that was a blow too................missing getting to hang out with him for a few hours................

So, help me girls! Help this poor schmuck, please!

[texasgal]

WF, I'm very sorry to hear that you were so neglected. I don't know if it's a case of men being jerks or rather that some people are just thoughtless.

I know this is something you do NOT want to read, but you have to accept that "he's just not into you."

He is into his girlfriend.

I know it's not fair, and it hurts like hell when the person you are most interested in doesn't know you exist. I know this from wayyyyy too many past experiences.

If it were me, I would not tell him that I was hurt that he did not invite me. I wouldn't want any man who was that casual an acquaintance to know they had that much power over me. I wouldn't want to give him that satisfaction. I would ignore it, hurt about it by myself, and then move on.

But that's just me. What is right for me to do may or may not be the right thing for others to do. You should do what is right for you.

Edited to add: Maybe your love interest senses your interest in him and doesn't want to encourage it by inviting you to activities. If he did, he might be giving you false hope. But in making that suggestion, I could be reading more into the situation than what is there.

[bunnypanda]

HUGE hugs to you WF!!!

I think it is possible he couldn't invite you because his girlfriend was there. I get the feeling that he would have invited you if he had been BBQing with just his friends.

If he couldn't invite you because his girlfriend was there with him, then that makes him just a nice guy who takes care of his partner's feelings. I am sure, because he is usually very friendly to you, that it was nothing personal to you at all that he didn't invite you.

More hugs to you, WF (((((((((( WF ))))))))))

[WilsonFreak]

Ah, my dear friends, you've helped me so much!! I reached out for help, and there you were! Thank You!! Tex, Bunny, I believe you have both somehow hit the nail right on the head! (could you come over and hit Mike on the head too??!! ) Yes, I'm pretty sure that he couldn't invite me bc the gf was here, I never thought of that, and I'm also pretty sure that I should not tell him that I was hurt and cried. Oh, thank you for being there for me! I really do feel so much better now! And thanks for the PM's also!!!!!!!! I really am so grateful to have you as friends!! You've helped me so much, just when I needed it!!

I'm really, really, trying to not look at Mike as someone I want to be my boyfriend! I'm just trying to look at him as someone it's nice to have as a friend. My friend gave me a book about all these secret little things you should and shouldnt do, and I am practicing very hard!! Like, don't stare with loving eyes, end the conversations first, don't always be available when he can be, be very busy with other people/friends, or at least put on a good show that you are busy............... i don't want him to be uncomfortable, and I don't want him to think that I lust after him.................... I just want him to like me as a normal friend.

Thanks again, so much!!

Bunny, do you think that it's a bad idea to let him know I was hurt too? I really think Tex is right, but I'm always a person to be emotionally honest................and I ......... I think I want him to know that .................. that .............. that it hurt my feelings that I was not thought about.........................

Yeah, I think Tex is right for sure. It just sounds too clingy and needy that my feelings were hurt. But, I would have been hurt by Anyone doing that to me................and I would TELL Anyone.......... but I guess he wouldn't really know that and might just think it is because I like him..........................

What do you think??

[bunnypanda]

wilsonfreak said:

Bunny, do you think that it's a bad idea to let him know I was hurt too? I really think Tex is right, but I'm always a person to be emotionally honest................and I ......... I think I want him to know that .................. that .............. that it hurt my feelings that I was not thought about.........................

Yeah, I think Tex is right for sure. It just sounds too clingy and needy that my feelings were hurt. But, I would have been hurt by Anyone doing that to me................and I would TELL Anyone.......... but I guess he wouldn't really know that and might just think it is because I like him..........................

What do you think??

I think there is no problem with you telling him you were hurt, as long as you stay calm and controlled when you do it.
If you get upset at all when you tell him it is possible he will not welcome that, but if you are calm and polite, I'm sure he will be nice to you as he always is. If not - then he's not worth it ;D But I really don't think he will be cold to you.

[texasgal]

WF, I agree with Bunny that it might be okay for you to tell him how you feel about being left out if - and only if - it feels more comfortable for you to do that than to keep silent about it.

I also agree that it would be best if you could convey your feelings in the most casual way. You could even make a joke about it. You could smile and say something like "Hey buddy, thanks for the great bbq the other night." This lets him know that you took notice that you had not been invited yet lets him know that you were not destroyed by it.

My only caution is that if you say it seriously or showing hurt, it could backfire on you and scare Mike away from you. Yes, I hadn't thought of the words 'clingy' or 'needy,' but that is how you would be presenting yourself.

Edited to add: (I always post too soon, then think of other things later):
You make a good point about being honest with anyone about your feelings. However, this is different with Mike just because of your very tender feelings toward him. The feelings are NOT mutual; therefore, you are in a vulnerable position whereas with your girlfriends, you are not.

[texasgal]

texasgal said:

Hey buddy, thanks for the great bbq the other night." This lets him know that you took notice that you had not been invited yet lets him know that you were not destroyed by it.

Hmm... on third thought, I would not say this. Yes, he will know that you noticed you weren't invited. But no matter how you say it, it will sound sarcastic and bitter. Definitely not attractive qualities to have.

Better to soften it a lot by saying something like: "Did my bbq work OK for you guys the other night?" But even that sounds sarcastic.

See? I just don't know of a way to convey your feelings without reflecting badly on yourself.

Honesty is not always the best policy.

Maybe others have much better suggestions.