Post by Natalie on Nov 17, 2004 9:03:19 GMT -5
Someone had put this on another board a LONG time ago, and this is where we first started talking about Luke's crotch....so here it is again!
snlyou.jt.org/archives/02xlukewilson/mono.phtml
snlyou.jt.org/archives/02xlukewilson/mono.phtml
Luke Wilson's Monologue
written by: JPIII
.....Luke Wilson
Right Eye V/O.....Chris Parnell
Left Eye V/O.....Jeff Richards
Nose V/O.....Jimmy Fallon
Left Chest Pectoral V/O.....Dean Edwards
Right Thigh V/O.....Fred Armisen
Crotch V/O....Jim Downey
[Enters with much applause.]
Luke Wilson: Hey! Thank you soooo much! What's up New York!
[More applause.]
Luke Wilson: It is absolutely great to be here hosting Saturday Night You! C'mon...give it up people!
[More applause from the audience.]
Luke Wilson: Whew...what a week! I tell ya, hosting Saturday Night You is a whole different ball game in comparison to doing movies or television or just about anything else I've done, and I'm so grateful I was asked to do this. Thank you, SNY!
[Another round of applause.]
Luke Wilson: Now everyone knows that last year I co-starred with Will Ferrell in a little known movie called Old School. Did anyone happen to see that?
Luke Wilson: Yeah...I thought so. I'm also in a few movies that you can catch in theaters right now...Alex and Emma, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde.
[More applause ensues.]
Luke Wilson: But, let's get back to Old School. There's something specific I wanted to talk about. Many of you have probably bought the DVD, and there's a little segment in the extras where Will mentions that I have names for each of my eyes, and he's right...I named my left eye "Shorty" and my right eye "Kevin." Now, that may sound a little funny to you, but I think I first started naming my body parts when I was a child. No...I didn't name my "you know what," but the reason I began doing this was because...
[As Wilson continues the monologue, the camera zooms in very close to his face...right up to his right eye. The eye begins talking via voice-over, and is heard over Wilson's voice. The camera always cuts to the body part which is speaking.]
Right Eye: Pssst! Shorty!
Left Eye: What?
Right Eye: Can you believe this jackass?
Left Eye: I know...
Right Eye: I mean, how many more times is he gonna beg for applause from this audience?
Left Eye: Right...
Right Eye: I hope he doesn't embarrass us further!
Left Eye: Yeah...
Nose: Hey guys!
Right Eye: What's up Beacon!
Nose: Dude! I told you not to call me that!
Right Eye: Hey...you're big, ok? Deal with it! And that's the name he gave you! You think I like being called "Kevin"? It makes me sound like I'm some gay waiter at Applebee's!
Left Eye: (chiming in) Yeah, and do you think being referred to as "Shorty" isn't insulting also?
Nose: Ok whatever! What are you two talking about?
Right Eye: We're just hoping that this idiot doesn't make a fool of himself out here...
Nose: Right...I mean, first he chooses to be in Charlie's Angels and Legally Blonde sequels, and now he's out here ramblin' on about how he named his body parts as a kid! What a loser!
Left Eye: Yeah...I mean, you'd think he'd have written something better to do for his monologue...I mean, it's friggin' SNY for chrissakes!
Nose: I know...
Left Chest Pectoral: Yo! What's up all my homies up there on the mothableepin' cranium!
Nose: Who's that?
Right Eye: Oh no...it's one of them...you know...down there...
Left Eye: (in a whisper) I hate the muscles...
Nose: (also whispering) Me too...
Left Chest Pectoral: Hey fellas! What y'all whisperin' about?
Right Eye: Nothin' Tyrone...
Left Chest Pectoral: Ahh...c'mon y'all...what's goin' down with this shizzno...
Right Eye: What?
Left Chest Pectoral: I'm tired of y'all always ignorin' me! I mean damn...y'all think y'all is so special up there with your senses...and your, and your...cranial nerves!
Left Eye: We're sorry...
Left Chest Pectoral: (interrupting) Sorry ain't gonna cut it b***h! After 31 years of o-ppression, with you punks always bein' on top, doin' all tha thinkin' and perceivin' and stuff, and us slaves down here doin' all the work y'all tell us to do, we is gonna riot! Ain't that right Ortega...
Right Thigh: Hell yeah ese! I'm gonna cut y'alls asses!
Left Chest Pectoral: That's right, that's right!
Crotch: Will everyone please shut the hell up?!?! I'm tryin' to get some sleep down here!
Left Chest Pectoral: Hey buddy...we was just sayin' how we is gonna take over because of all the injustice goin' on up there...
Crotch: Hey...you wanna know about injustice? I don't even have a name, alright! Hell...I don't even do anything! All I'm good for is hanging around down here and waiting for him to use the bathroom or take a shower. That's about the only way I ever get any action!
Left Chest Pectoral: Man...that's whack, homey.
Right Thigh: Yeah dog...I mean...
Right Eye: (interrupting) Listen, I'm really gettin' tired of hearing all the sob stories comin' from you guys down there...
Crotch: Hey...want me to tell you a sob story? Here's a good one...this moron is single, was in a movie with friggin' Cameron Diaz, who was single during filming, and still couldn't find a way to get me in her panties! I mean, he's supposed to be some kinda movie star or something, yet he's losin' girls to goddamn Justin Timberlake and meanwhile, I ain't got any coochie-cooch in six months!
Nose: Dude...that does suck...
Crotch: Yes it does...now everyone please just be quiet so I can enjoy the only thing I like more than stiffening up when he reads his Good Housekeeping mags, and that's sleep!
Left Chest Pectoral: Alright man...peace out.
Right Thigh: Hasta manana...
Nose: Later...
Left Eye: See ya...
Right Eye: Bye.
[Cut back to Luke Wilson finishing his monologue.]
Luke Wilson: And that's why my mother doesn't let me go to the driving range without a priest. Anyway, we have a great show for you this evening...Russell Crowe and his 30 Odd Foot of Grunts are here! Stick around...we'll be right back!
[Fade to commercial parody.]
written by: JPIII
.....Luke Wilson
Right Eye V/O.....Chris Parnell
Left Eye V/O.....Jeff Richards
Nose V/O.....Jimmy Fallon
Left Chest Pectoral V/O.....Dean Edwards
Right Thigh V/O.....Fred Armisen
Crotch V/O....Jim Downey
[Enters with much applause.]
Luke Wilson: Hey! Thank you soooo much! What's up New York!
[More applause.]
Luke Wilson: It is absolutely great to be here hosting Saturday Night You! C'mon...give it up people!
[More applause from the audience.]
Luke Wilson: Whew...what a week! I tell ya, hosting Saturday Night You is a whole different ball game in comparison to doing movies or television or just about anything else I've done, and I'm so grateful I was asked to do this. Thank you, SNY!
[Another round of applause.]
Luke Wilson: Now everyone knows that last year I co-starred with Will Ferrell in a little known movie called Old School. Did anyone happen to see that?
Luke Wilson: Yeah...I thought so. I'm also in a few movies that you can catch in theaters right now...Alex and Emma, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, and Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde.
[More applause ensues.]
Luke Wilson: But, let's get back to Old School. There's something specific I wanted to talk about. Many of you have probably bought the DVD, and there's a little segment in the extras where Will mentions that I have names for each of my eyes, and he's right...I named my left eye "Shorty" and my right eye "Kevin." Now, that may sound a little funny to you, but I think I first started naming my body parts when I was a child. No...I didn't name my "you know what," but the reason I began doing this was because...
[As Wilson continues the monologue, the camera zooms in very close to his face...right up to his right eye. The eye begins talking via voice-over, and is heard over Wilson's voice. The camera always cuts to the body part which is speaking.]
Right Eye: Pssst! Shorty!
Left Eye: What?
Right Eye: Can you believe this jackass?
Left Eye: I know...
Right Eye: I mean, how many more times is he gonna beg for applause from this audience?
Left Eye: Right...
Right Eye: I hope he doesn't embarrass us further!
Left Eye: Yeah...
Nose: Hey guys!
Right Eye: What's up Beacon!
Nose: Dude! I told you not to call me that!
Right Eye: Hey...you're big, ok? Deal with it! And that's the name he gave you! You think I like being called "Kevin"? It makes me sound like I'm some gay waiter at Applebee's!
Left Eye: (chiming in) Yeah, and do you think being referred to as "Shorty" isn't insulting also?
Nose: Ok whatever! What are you two talking about?
Right Eye: We're just hoping that this idiot doesn't make a fool of himself out here...
Nose: Right...I mean, first he chooses to be in Charlie's Angels and Legally Blonde sequels, and now he's out here ramblin' on about how he named his body parts as a kid! What a loser!
Left Eye: Yeah...I mean, you'd think he'd have written something better to do for his monologue...I mean, it's friggin' SNY for chrissakes!
Nose: I know...
Left Chest Pectoral: Yo! What's up all my homies up there on the mothableepin' cranium!
Nose: Who's that?
Right Eye: Oh no...it's one of them...you know...down there...
Left Eye: (in a whisper) I hate the muscles...
Nose: (also whispering) Me too...
Left Chest Pectoral: Hey fellas! What y'all whisperin' about?
Right Eye: Nothin' Tyrone...
Left Chest Pectoral: Ahh...c'mon y'all...what's goin' down with this shizzno...
Right Eye: What?
Left Chest Pectoral: I'm tired of y'all always ignorin' me! I mean damn...y'all think y'all is so special up there with your senses...and your, and your...cranial nerves!
Left Eye: We're sorry...
Left Chest Pectoral: (interrupting) Sorry ain't gonna cut it b***h! After 31 years of o-ppression, with you punks always bein' on top, doin' all tha thinkin' and perceivin' and stuff, and us slaves down here doin' all the work y'all tell us to do, we is gonna riot! Ain't that right Ortega...
Right Thigh: Hell yeah ese! I'm gonna cut y'alls asses!
Left Chest Pectoral: That's right, that's right!
Crotch: Will everyone please shut the hell up?!?! I'm tryin' to get some sleep down here!
Left Chest Pectoral: Hey buddy...we was just sayin' how we is gonna take over because of all the injustice goin' on up there...
Crotch: Hey...you wanna know about injustice? I don't even have a name, alright! Hell...I don't even do anything! All I'm good for is hanging around down here and waiting for him to use the bathroom or take a shower. That's about the only way I ever get any action!
Left Chest Pectoral: Man...that's whack, homey.
Right Thigh: Yeah dog...I mean...
Right Eye: (interrupting) Listen, I'm really gettin' tired of hearing all the sob stories comin' from you guys down there...
Crotch: Hey...want me to tell you a sob story? Here's a good one...this moron is single, was in a movie with friggin' Cameron Diaz, who was single during filming, and still couldn't find a way to get me in her panties! I mean, he's supposed to be some kinda movie star or something, yet he's losin' girls to goddamn Justin Timberlake and meanwhile, I ain't got any coochie-cooch in six months!
Nose: Dude...that does suck...
Crotch: Yes it does...now everyone please just be quiet so I can enjoy the only thing I like more than stiffening up when he reads his Good Housekeeping mags, and that's sleep!
Left Chest Pectoral: Alright man...peace out.
Right Thigh: Hasta manana...
Nose: Later...
Left Eye: See ya...
Right Eye: Bye.
[Cut back to Luke Wilson finishing his monologue.]
Luke Wilson: And that's why my mother doesn't let me go to the driving range without a priest. Anyway, we have a great show for you this evening...Russell Crowe and his 30 Odd Foot of Grunts are here! Stick around...we'll be right back!
[Fade to commercial parody.]