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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 17:17:38 GMT -5
THIS ENTIRE STORY IS FOR USE ON THIS BOARD ONLY! -THE AUTHOR, SCULPTUREDSOUND
This is a rough draft of a short story written by me in the form of a letter to a pen pal. It is about a girl who has some wacky adventures dating characters from Wes Anderson films. Please forgive all typos and grammatical errors and inconsistancies, I'm fixing them as I catch them. It is too long for one post so I must break it up into a few posts.
The following story is a parody based on characters and elements created by Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson, and Noah Baumbach.
"Dating the Creations"
Dear Lulani,
How is my favorite pen pal? I know it's been a while since I wrote, over three months actually, but you wouldn't believe how these last few months have been. I signed up with this dating service "Lovely Lonelies" and it seems every weirdo in town signed up for the same one. The first guy I went out with I had high hopes for. His name was Ritchie and from his photo he was gorgeous! He was an ex-tennis player who then decided to live on a boat for a while. The only thing that struck me as odd at first was his profile said he had just gotten out of a serious relationship with his sister. I figured that had to be a typo. So we meet at the restaurant and he's got this bird on his shoulder. I don't know what kind, maybe it was a pigeon, or an owl, or a parakeet? Anyway, he says it's name is Mordecai, he's got it all decked out in a little helmet even. After looking at the menu he decides we have to go somewhere else, because this restaurant doesn't serve sardines, and Mordecai eats sardines. I'm a little annoyed but I agree to go somewhere else. As we get up to leave something spooks the bird and it starts flying around, people are yelling and Ritchie's calling the bird trying to get it to land on his arm. Well the bird does come back to Ritchie's arm, but on the way flies right over my head and leaves a little "present" right in my hair. It was so gross, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I stormed out and went home. Little did I know Ritchie would be about the most normal of the guys I would meet that month.
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 17:18:02 GMT -5
A few nights later I have a date with a guy named Chas. Chas was a widower with two adorable young sons. We decide to meet at his house and then take a cab to dinner and the movies. When I arrived, I was a little worried because Chas and his two sons were all wearing the exact same adidas track suits, however, then he told me he and the boys had just finished working out together. I thought that was sweet, you know, father and sons bonding time. The cab arrives, and after giving it a complete inspection himself, I'm talking checking the oil, engine, brakes, even the air in the tires, Chas decides the cab is not safe, and it has no sprinklers in case of a fire. He decides we should walk to the restaurant. That's a lovely idea since it's such a beautiful day, but then upon seeing how many cracks were in the sidewalk, Chas decides it's not safe to walk either, plus the sidewalk has no sprinklers. I suggest maybe a nice picnic on the lawn instead, the grass has just been cut, and, it has sprinklers! Chas agrees and we start discussing what we should make for the picnic. I suggest pastrami sandwhiches and potato chips. Chas then tells me that if I like pastrami sandwhiches my cholesteral is most likely not safe, and he doesn't want to risk me having a heart attack right on the lawn and traumatizing his young sons. I was about to argue that now he was just being rediculous, but then this weird mouse with black spots ran out and ran right up my leg. I started jumping around and screaming, Chas starts yelling for me not to hurt the mouse and in all the commotion the sprinklers go off and I get soaked. I almost wished I hadn't blown Ritchie off. Thinking "third time's the charm" I decide to try another guy. He had an interesting name, and an interesting face, and he looked like he could be fun. I meet "Dignan", that's his name, at the restaurant, he was going to pick me up but said something about his scooter not starting and if he takes his car the cops might recognize the license plates. Not sure what he meant by that. Well anyway, can we say CONTROL FREAK?! This guy shows up with a 75 minute itinerary for our date. It's like "First 10-15 minutes- small talk, Next 30 minutes- dinner, Next 15- dessert". The last part was the best part, "Last 5 minutes- kiss goodnight, very crucial". I was about to tell this guy off when he hears a siren wailing down the street. He jumps up from the table and throws on this yellow jumpsuit that he grabs from under the table (it makes him look like a little banana) and he starts yelling "Anthony! Bob! Ca-caw Ca-caw!". He runs out of the restaurant and everyone is now staring at me. I sit there for a while trying to hide behind my menu, and when I realize this guy's not coming back, I decide to leave. I get out to the parking lot, and there's Dignan! Breaking into my car! I run over and start screaming at him, he tries to tell me he was just trying to be a gentleman and open my door for me. I grab the coat hanger he was using to try to break in and start hitting him with it. Dignan grabs a rock and hurls it but it misses me and hits my windshield, shattering it. I start screaming at him that he's going to fix my car or else! He starts yelling back "I can't fix a car like this because I don't have the tools to do it man! And even if I had the tools I can't promise you that I'd know how to fix a car like that!" I hopped in my car and accidently missed hitting him on the way out of the parking lot.
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 17:18:38 GMT -5
After getting the windshield fixed I decide my spirit has not yet been broken and I try out the dating service again. I find this musician, he works on a boat and loves David Bowie. Being a huge David Bowie fan I decide to give this guy a chance. His name is Pele. He's very sweet but doesn't talk much. He serenades me in portuguese with his beautiful voice all night long. He even tells me he has written a special song for me and sings it to me. I can't understand portuguese but it is lovely. I am in love! That is, until I get home and type the lyrics of his "special song" for me into the portuguese to english translator on http://www.dictionary.com:
"Does she not realize how fat that dress makes her look? And even the make-up which she has put on 3 inches thick cannot make her less ugly. Ha ha, she is also too stupid to know that I am insulting her. No one ever realizes I am insulting them, they think I just sing David Bowie songs like a good boy, just like that skinny guy with the scarves and too small suits who kept telling me what to do all the time. Ha ha ha!"
Two nights later I go out with a guy named Anthony. He seems sweet enough, but he takes me to the laundromat and just sits there with this stupid look on his face. He brings me tamales, which we share. We get to talking and realize we both love animals. I show him a picture of my dog, he holds the picture up to my face and says "Wow, she looks just like you, may I keep this". I was about to tell him off when out of nowhere I hear "Anthony! Ca-caw Ca-caw!" Anthony rolls his eyes and pulls a yellow jumpsuit out of the dryer, next thing I know the control freak I went out with a week or so ago is being chased down the street by the cops and Anthony is running after him. The next night I decided to give this guy John a try. He says his nickname is "Future Man" and that makes me laugh so I decide he might be kind of cool. I meet him at his house but as I get up to the door, I can hear him beating the crap out of someone inside. I can hear him yelling "Hold still, Bob, you'll only make it worse" in between all the punching. I promptly leave. A few nights later I decide maybe I need an older man. I find this guy Steve, he's a fisherman or something. He seems nice enough. He takes me to his boat and shows me around. It's awesome, a little run-down, but beautiful. He has an intern bring me a drink. I tell him he's the nicest of all the guys I've met through the dating service so far, he seems touched, he tells the intern to order me a red cap and a speedo. I meet the crew, watch a few of his documentaries with him, and we go out onto the deck. Suddenly these flourescent pink fish surround the boat and Steve starts getting weird. He starts getting sentimental and telling me about his friend Esteban. I lean over the railing a little to see the fish better, Steve pulls me back and tells me whenever the pink fish come around it's a bad sign and to be careful not to fall into the water or the jaguar shark may eat me like he ate Esteban. Steve is sweet to be so concerned for my safety. A tall beautiful dark haired women comes out to the deck and starts to walk toward us, Steve freaks out and whispers to me "That's my wife, quick get off the boat!" I protest, "But where should I go, there's no way off from here?". Steve then throws me over the railing...
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 17:19:18 GMT -5
After two weeks in the hospital some research turtles owned by a man named Alistair found my foot and my ear floating in the ocean and the doctors were able to sew them back on. I was so grateful to Alistair I insisted I take him out to dinner. He was reluctant at first, must be a modest man, must not like being labeled a hero. He was very attractive and he took me to his boat which was much more extravagant than Steve's, I really liked him. I was hoping to see him again, but at the end of the night when I tried to kiss him I was suddenly confronted by an army of blonde pretty boys. They grabbed me and physically threw me off of Alistair's boat. I saw the pink fish again.... Alistair's research turtles found my ear and foot again, I was grateful but this time just sent a thank you note. I decided I needed a vacation, one of my plane changes was in Kentucky. I met the sweetest pilot named Ned. He was absolutely gorgeous, but I was a little afraid because he had a strong resemblance to that control freak guy. I decided it was just my imagination. He showed me around the airport and read to me from a 6 volume novel he was borrowing from a friend. When it was time for me to board my next plane, Ned went a little nuts, he started almost crying and told me his heart was breaking. We had only known each other for two hours so I found this a little disturbing. He then handed me a stack of self addressed stamped envelopes that had 3 pages in each one. When did he have time to do all that? When I went to the bathroom? He handed me a pen and saluted me as I walked to the gate, just then, of all people, Steve comes running out angrily yelling at him "I told you NOT THIS ONE! NOT THIS ONE!" I ran onto the plane. I took my seat and looked at the self addressed stamped envelopes Ned had given me and thought to myself, "who the hell is Kingsley Zissou??" In all the commotion I didn't realize I'd gotten on the wrong plane and landed on an island in the middle of nowhere. I saw a woman come out of a house and realized it was Steve's wife! Where the hell was I? A man named Klaus introduced himself to me. He was good looking and had a very charming accent. He took me out to the pier and then hauled off and slapped me. He told me he saw me with "Steve-sy" and I'd better stay the hell away from him if I knew what was good for me, "girlie". I slapped him back and told him not to call me "girlie", Klaus just stared at me, his lip started to quiver and he started crying and blabbering "OH, you evil woman, now I slap you back!" and I yelled, "no, now we're even!" He ran off mumbling something and suddenly "Steve-sy" came out of nowhere again yelling "NO KLAUS NOT THIS ONE!!! NOT THIS ONE!" How the hell did he get here so fast? That's when I saw the pink fish again and decided to jump in the water because it was better than staying here. I escaped the elusive jaguar shark this time and rode one of Alistair's research turtles back to land and got home.
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 17:19:31 GMT -5
I decided maybe what I needed was a younger man. I found this guy named Max, he wrote a hit play and directed it! He asked me to bring a head shot to the date which I thought was a little strange. He told me I was all wrong for the part of his girlfriend but I could be her understudy. On the plus side he did keep re-filling my lemonade all night. I went out to my car, and someone had ran into it. Apparently their brakes had been cut, upon seeing this Max tried to jump on his bike and take off, but someone had run it over and the tires were bent. I walked home while they loudly sorted it out. I decided to try an older guy one more time. His name was Kumar. We met at the restaurant and got a table. Kumar excused himself to use the restroom and never returned. I asked the waiter to check on him and he said the restroom was empty. I thought Kumar had ditched me when I saw the restaraunt managers escorting Kumar out the door. I asked what happened and they said they found him in their walk-in freezer. When I asked Kumar why he was the in freezer, he then asked me why he was in the freezer. That was it! I decided I needed a break and left the dating service alone for a while. However temptation got the best of me and soon I was back looking at profiles, and tonight I have a date with a tennis commentator named Jim... So how are you doing? Did you ever find out who those freaks were in the shiny silver wetsuits that raided your island and then left their three-legged dog? Your pen pal, Marnie You can read part 2 here: thewilsons.proboards20.com/index.cgi?board=Wes&action=display&thread=1107851674
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Post by bubbles4play on Feb 4, 2005 17:56:43 GMT -5
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Post by hurltomato on Feb 4, 2005 18:16:05 GMT -5
Dignan grabs a rock and hurls it but it misses me and hits my windshield, shattering it. While I Was Sleeping... Whenever somebody " hurls" something -I still pause with positive expectation and the usual dismay... Sorry to interrupt your masterpiece- Sculp-T HT
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 4, 2005 18:29:08 GMT -5
While I Was Sleeping... Whenever somebody " hurls" something -I still pause with positive expectation and the usual dismay... Sorry to interrupt your masterpiece- Sculp-T HT Dignan grabbed hurltomato and.. ran away with her and they lived happily ever after...and he still never fixed Marnie's windshield...
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Post by Remi on Feb 4, 2005 19:51:00 GMT -5
Sculpy, I always knew you were a genius but you are also freekin' hysterical!! The Dignan and Chas parts had me rollin'! I loved your humor! Gotta save this one!
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 5, 2005 4:32:04 GMT -5
Thanks for all the kind and encouraging comments, I didn't have time to spell check it or really edit it or anything so I know it is full of errors but it's just a rough draft. I actually adapted it from a script I wrote where it's a girl coming home every night telling her roommate about these awful dates. I think it's going to need another chapter as she hasn't dated Eli yet... hee hee
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Post by WilsonFreak on Feb 5, 2005 10:40:31 GMT -5
Aaaaahhhhh!! You are so funny and talented!!! I was laughing out loud!! Yes, you must continue!! Eli and ROY!! Hutch, pleeease!! Imagine what you could do with Minus Man..................... Kevin, Edward Appleby, Gary from Ananconda!! Luke from the Haunting, Jack from TBB, ......................... Emmett!!!!!! Alex, Preston Tylk (do you know him?) You are great!
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Post by Pancake on Feb 5, 2005 13:09:04 GMT -5
I agree with WilsonFreak...Give us mooooore...Don't forget Hansel!!
You are so funny. And very talented keep up the good work!!
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Post by itsanowenthing on Feb 5, 2005 21:58:49 GMT -5
I think it's going to need another chapter as she hasn't dated Eli yet... hee hee LOL. That's exactly what I was thinking at the end. We need to hear about her date with Eli. More, author, more.
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Post by sculpturedsound on Feb 8, 2005 13:25:10 GMT -5
Just bumping this since I posted part 2 for those that didn't see it before reading part 2.
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Post by bunnypanda on Feb 8, 2005 17:07:00 GMT -5
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