Jokes

[bluebutterfly]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."

^{This joke was in my forwards this morning . . . it reminded me of one of the Picture Interpretations where someone very clever imagined a conversation between Luke & Andrew ordering around the keepers of their precious shirts, and then the reply.} #tongue#

[startip]

I hear they taste just like chicken....

[bluebutterfly]

Dec 4, 2008 1:18:34 GMT -5 startip said:

I hear they taste just like chicken....

What, frog legs or mama's boys? #devil#

[sld1164]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.

So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain pig, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink pig.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[sld1164]

Any golfers here?

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls..........

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.

[meowencrazy]

I wonder what Luke has to say

[bluebutterfly]

Since we're doing golf jokes:

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself,"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says,"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[sld1164]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and
working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune
when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife
with which to share his fortune. One evening at an
investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he
had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may
look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her,
'but in just a few years, my father will die, and
I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the
woman obtained his business card and three days later, she
became his stepmother.
> > >
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

[sld1164]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
----------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....
---- -------- --------- --------- --------- ------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man.
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
--------------------------------------- - -

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

[texasgal]

SLD, those are a riot.

If I'm not mistaken, some of those sound like something Henny Youngman would have said.

[texasgal]

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses - until they stop running.
2. Strike while the - bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before - Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of - termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but - How?
6. Don't bite the hand that - looks dirty.
7. No news is - impossible
8. A miss is as good as a - Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new - Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll - stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust - Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the - pigs.
13. An idle mind is - the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's - pollution.
15. Happy the bride who - gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is - not much.
17. Two's company, three's - the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what - you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and - You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as - Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not - spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed - get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you - See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind - get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand - is going to poop on you.


And the WINNER and last one!

26. Better late than - Pregnant







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[bluebutterfly]

Thanks Tex! Those were funny and I would say most of them were pretty good advice as well. I think it's a pretty sound strategy not to go around biting dirty hands!

I actually printed it to mail to my mother. We have a pretty similar sense of humor and I think she'll get a kick out them too. I'd email them, but we just talked her into a cell phone. It's "no way Jose" on the computer issue.

[texasgal]

About time this thread was resurrected. I received this in an email today. Not exactly a joke but funny.....and true.

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . .. . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.

[hutchshottie]

Thats a cool one.
Okay here are mine


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
--------------------------------------------------------
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.


'Mom', he asked, 'are these my brains?'

'Not yet ,' she replied.


----------------------------------------------------------

The future of nursery rhymes

> Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
>
> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
>
> The structure of the wall was incorrect
>
> So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
>
>
>
> It's Raining, It's Pouring.
>
> Oh sh!t, it's Global Warming.
>
>
>
> Jack and Jill went into town
>
> To fetch some chips and sweeties.
>
> He can't keep his heart rate down
>
> And she's got diabetes.
>
>
>
> Mary had a little skirt
>
> with splits right up the sides
>
> and everywhere that Mary went
>
> the boys could see her thighs.
>
> Mary had another skirt
>
> 'twas split right up the front
>
> ...But she didn't wear that one often.
>
>
>
> Mary had a little lamb
>
> her father shot it dead.
>
> Now it goes to school with her
>
> between two chunks of bread.
>
>
>
> Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
>
> Said Simple Simon to the pie man
>
> 'What have u got there?'
>
> Said the pie man unto Simon
>
> Pies you d!ckhead.
>
>
>
> Mary had a little lamb
>
> it ran into a pylon.
>
> 10,000 volts went up its @rse
>
> and turned its wool to nylon.
>
>
>
> Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
>
> kissed the girls and made them cry.
>
> When the boys came out to play
>
> he kissed them too cause he was gay.
>
>
>
> Jack and Jill
>
> went up the hill
>
> to have a little fun.
>
> Jill, the dill,
>
> forgot her pill,
>
> and now they have a son.
>
>
>
> Jack and Jill
>
> Went up the hill
>
> And planned to do some kissing.
>
> Jack made a pass
>
> and grabbed her ass
>
> Now two of his teeth are missing.
>
>
>
> Mary had a little lamb
>
> Its fleece was white and wispy.
>
> Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

[texasgal]

Hutch, those are really good, although the last one is sad #sad#


The Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter-proof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow…

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."