[Natalie]

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. The 9-year old son comes home early, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice"

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My Dad's outside ."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet again.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold"

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again; you're in my closet now."

[texasgal]

Nat,

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped, and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused, and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back: " I found the remote!"

[Natalie]

#biglol#

That's priceless!!!!!

[Remi]

Tex, #rofl#

[Remi]

Tex and Natalie, #rofl#

[Natalie]

This is GREAT!!! #lol#


I LOVE this! It's so true! But I have to disagree with number 8... I use "whatever" when I really mean, whatever. ;-)



Nine words women use...

1 - Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2 - Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3 - Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4 - Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5 - Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6 - That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7 - Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8 - Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9 - Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

[texasgal]

Nat, again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Universal Laws... some of them courtesy of Murphy (Murphy laws)

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change check-out lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's* Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

*Not sure if there's any connection between this and "our" Wilsons. Maybe just that there are only THREE Wilson brothers!

[flygirl2000]

Good ones, Nat and Tex

FUN THINGS TO DO AT A SWIMMING POOL
* Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
* Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.
* Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.
* Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
* Swim near a stranger and say, "Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here."
* Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
* Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.
* Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
* Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
* When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
* Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

_______________________________________________

TOP 17 SIGNS YOUR KID WILL GROW UP TO BE A CRIMINAL
17. Always banging her cup against the crib bars.
16. His imaginary friends? "Vinny the Bull" and "Sluggo."
15. Your garage has more freshly-painted bikes than Toys'R'Us.
14. Enjoys wearing her mom's hosiery - over her head.
13. Other neighborhood kids starting to put "The Club" on their Big Wheels.
12. Her "Weebles" keep knocking over the Playskool bank.
11. Throws temper tantrum when you refuse to let him "bust Lenny outta the joint."
10. Always willing to trade hotels on Boardwalk for "Get Out of Jail Free" card.
9. "Squealers" usually end up floating face down in his Mr. Turtle pool.
8. Uses lemonade stand as front to sell your jewelry.
7. Wears nothing but rodent Garanimals and Unabomber Underoos.
6. Shaves her Ken doll's hair into Mohawk to make homemade Travis Bickle action figure.
5. Hasn't taken her first step yet, but has already "taken the fifth."
4. Just landed a guest spot on "Different Strokes."
3. Stubbornly refuses to put the cat back together.
2. Daily breakfast ritual: a little hair of the dog and a fresh stogie.
1. 9mm semi-automatic "BarneyBlaster" tops her Christmas list.

__________________________________________

LIVING THE GOOD LIFE
In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject.

"Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life; no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner -- a plain dinner, mark my words. After that, an hour's exercise; then ... "

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in for?"

-----------------------------------

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison. - Tim Allen

[Remi]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.

He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."



The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.

[texasgal]

P.S. Remi, I got your "Just peachy" location. Hope all's going well for all the Family Remi in your new home.

[Natalie]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[texasgal]

According to the Jewish Calendar, the year is 5768. According to the Chinese calendar, the year is 4705. That means that for 1,063 years the Jews went without Chinese food.

Those years were known as the Dark Ages.

[flygirl2000]

Tex - snort!

The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now ... Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
_____________________________________

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DOG PERSON WHEN:
- You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
- Lint wheels are on your shopping list every week.
- You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
- You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
- Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
- You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
- Your dog sleeps with you.
- You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
- You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
- You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
- You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
- You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
- You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
- Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

[Remi]

flygirl2000 said:

The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now ... Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

#rofl#
The only ones I don't have a problem with are #'s 3, 8 and 10-12. And #2 would be lunch for me.

[Lom83]

flygirl2000 said:

Tex - snort!

The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now ... Free Membership if you join within the next 30 days!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
_____________________________________

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DOG PERSON WHEN:
- You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
- Lint wheels are on your shopping list every week.
- You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
- You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
- Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
- You refer to yourselves as Mommy and Daddy.
- Your dog sleeps with you.
- You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
- You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
- You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
- You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
- You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
- You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
- Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site!

those are great flygirl, thanks for posting them I have to say im guilty at the web addiction! for a start here I am reading this stuff online at 10:20pm my time though luckily I seem to be following some of the program, at least I do get out and about with a job and going for walks and stuff and I am reading a book as well at the moment lol though it'd be hard to eat breakfast with a knife and fork seeing how I only have cereal a yoghurt and drink for breakfast lol I love our dog too though I don't do all the stuff listed lol